Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team... Meet the Players (2 of 2)

*Originally Posted March, 2007*


Well hello to all! At last it's true... After the long, tearful, and (for some) beard growing wait. "The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team... Meet the Players (2 of 2)" is finally here! For you... the peoples... to read... Commercial interruption!!!!


...Or listen to on our brand new 2 audio cassette tapes gift pack! Tell'em Rob! That's right, available for a limited time only these tapes of Galaxy Dollar mastery can be yours for the low introductory price of... 3 easy payments of $29.99!!! Want yours today?! Call 1-800-4-IM-A-SAP, and have your credit cards ready! Thanks Rob, and don't forget our tagline folks!, "You too can astonish your friends and family with useless Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team information!"...so buy three today!... Now back to your regularly scheduled blogging...


...*ahem*... like I was saying it is finally here for you... the peoples... to read... and stuff. So! With that being said... Put on your favorite pair of pants, use the bathroom, and pick up that half eaten bag of Cheetos sitting on the floor next to you... and read, "The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team... Meet the Players (2 of 2)"!


FUN AND (MAYBE) USEFUL INFORMATION:

One last thing before you dig into that bag of Cheetos—I mean the blog... As a little extra fun, I had enough forethought in writing these that in either this, or the last installment of the "Meet the Players" blog dealios I wrote a character in "third person" that is really me. So, see if you can guess which character is actually me, and how I played soccer! (remember it can be in this blog, or part one) If you think you know which one is me, put your guess in your blog comment, or I suppose you can message me. And I will let you know if your are right of not.




The Pillsbury Soccer Girl

Alright, so for the second part of this blog dealio I thought we'd start off with, The Pillsbury Soccer Girl. Why do I call her this you may wonder? Well, the reason is, is that every time she kicks the soccer ball, or someone pokes her she goes, hee-hee! And all though I know the Pillsbury dough boy goes, "hoo-hoo!" and not "hee-hee" I don't really care. She does share other similarities with the dough boy as well... Now I don't know if you've ever noticed, but the dough boy frolics... And she, like the dough boy, seems to frolic from place to place. It's not that she's that graceful, but there's just no other way to put it...i t's a frolic. So, between the, "hee-hees!", and the frolicking the other team sometimes just looks at her instead of guarding her... This in turn gives The Pillsbury Soccer Girl the opportunity she needs to score a goal... or miss (which is more actuate). well, sometimes it works... But even if she does miss, she just frolics her Pillsbury Soccer self right on down the field until the next time she gets to try and score, and shout, "hee-hee!"


I Think I'm Good Face

Ok, now we come to the one I like to call, I Think I'm Good Face. Why shell we call him this? Well, it's because in his mind he is God's gift to us on the soccer field. In reality... he's not even close. In fact, if you're going to compare him with a gift I'd be more likely to compare him with crap... Ahh, yes... the gift of crap. It's on everyone's list! Actually, I would say that his talent level rivals that of a... rabbit. Yes, a soccer playing rabbit. He's all over the place, legs hopping everywhere... kicking at everything... shooting from our own goal box... telling his teammates, "how hot the other team's women are"...*ahem*. But, yes, that's it. That's all he does... in fact here's a little stat for all of you to feast upon... He has never once: scored a goal, passed the ball, or gotten a date with an opposing teams girl... see what I mean? I Think I'm Good Face... I mean even George Costanza even got a date from time to time...*shakes head in shame*


The Blond Guy That's Not That Good

Alright next we come to The Blond Guy That's Not That Good... So why would I name him The Blond Guy That's Not That Good? Well, as his name would suggest, he's blond, and not that good... hints the name The Blond Guy That's Not That Good. The fact is, it is very frustrating to play with him because sometimes I think you could lay a piece of crap of the ground in his place and no one would notice that he's not the piece of crap... You see, it's the same routine every time... he gets there all energized and goes through the motions of thinking he's really getting pumped up (I swear he does this to Weird Al's "White and Nerdy"), he gets mentally ready to beat the other team... then stands on the field like... well... a piece of poop. The sadder thing is, is that at the end of the game he really thinks he contributed to the team in some measurable way, when in reality the game had ended 30 minutes ago, and he's just waking up from his state of comatose. "Let's get pizza! Any one up for some pizza?"...umm, no The Blond Guy That's Not That Good, we're all going home... we're tired, we actually played hard. I have nothing else to say on this matter... PS: He's dopey looking, really.


The Iron Horsett

Here we come to The Iron Horsett. So why do I call her this? Well, because I thought "The Italian Stallionett" was a bit cheesy... Besides I think this has a good ring to it. She, like The Italian Stallion, knows how to handle herself (on and off the field) Off the field, she is most of the time an awesome person to be around, but on the field she's like a train on a mission to get to it's destination... In this case the destination is the ball. If you have her "destination" I do heavily advise you to get out of harms way (because Harm's a nice guy, so cut him a break...j/k)...But really, I do advise getting out of her path! Only if you value your life though... if you don't you're fine. The fact is, she is quite serious about getting the ball... maybe too serious. Not one to back down from a fight of any kind, The Iron Horsett will get that ball away from you anyway she can... whether that means knocking you unconscious, impairing your senses permanently... or even if it means black-mailing your mom (you hear a hush in the background)... so don't mess with her.


Defense Girl

Ok, next we come to Defense Girl, as her name might suggest she likes to play defense... maybe too much. How much is to much you may be asking? Well, when you're subbed in on offense and your team has the ball... and she starts yelling, "Someone get on offense! I don't want to be on offense! Here, switch me! Be on offense!" I think there might be a problem. It's not that she's bad...i n fact she's quite good at defense, but this might be taking it a little far. I mean I like to be where I'm going to play the best I can too... it's just a little funny sometimes how serious she takes it. (I mean after a loss one time I swear I saw her tare into the ref for a call he made in the first half, while blinking!...j/k) What is even funnier is when she's not in the game...(I'm not being mean... Just read on...) She'll stand on top of the bench, like a parrot might perch on top of a pirate's ship... and she'll scope. Giving us second by second direction... "So and so is open! Pass to So-forth! Quick, get rid of the ball!, Do you need a sub? You look tired!" I fill somewhat like I have my own personal little "air traffic reporter". All in all I think most of the time it works pretty good... When the time come that someone does need a sub, Defense girl comes roaring back out on the field like the "little engine that could" ready to give it her all... so way to go Defense Girl!


Mousey Soccer Face

Now we come to Mousey Soccer Face... why do I call her this? Well to me she is like a little mouse darting from one and of the field to the other with great stealth... and just like a mouse would, she steals the cheese... well scores... and before you know it she's back in the thick of things trying to get the ball again. Her one major fault is that she gets tired very fast... Now there's nothing wrong with this, but it's the fact that she doesn't sub herself out when she gets tired is the problem... She'll be putting down the field at the speed of crap (yes, crap is a speed... and for those wondering, it's a slow speed), when a player from the bench will shout out, "You need a sub? you look tired!" Mousey Soccer Face sternly turns around a sharply tells them, "No, I'm fine!"...Well, actually you're not... in fact you're doing pretty freakin' bad, and hurting your team because you're too selfish to sub yourself out when you're tired... I guess that makes you a terrible person, and you're in danger of hell fire... So how do you like those apples, eh? I guess if you can disconnect yourself from the situation (which shouldn't be hard for you people since you don't have to play with her) it's pretty funny if you think about it... I mean, she goes out there, she's zooming all around...t hen she slows down to what becomes almost a person playing in slow motion...hhhheeeerrrreeee, ppppaaaassssssss mmmmeeee tttthhhheeee bbbbaaaallllllll!!!!!!!!! Ha, ha, ha, that is kinda funny.


The Bipper

Now we come to, who I would call, one of the most entertaining players on the team, The Bipper! So why is his name be The Bipper? Well, because it's his word... Bip... he says it all the time! I mean if you had a word that you said all the time wouldn't you like to have it be your nick-name? Like... if your word was "dag" for instance, you would be, The Dagger! Oh! Or, if it was..."crap" for instance, you would be...The Crapper! Isn't that awesome?... I thought so too. Another question you may be asking is, "How is he entertaining?" Great question! You're a very attentive reading audience! Well, there are many ways The Bipper is entertaining... First, every time we score he chants, FOAM!! F-O-A-M!!!... to rally the team. Second, he runs around kicking violently at the ball in hopes of sending it sailing toward the other goal... and by violently, I mean violently! He could easily be called for that one violation for "having your leg too high" (picture me using quotation marks with my fingers) like every time he kicks the ball... But of course, as with every violent kicker, there is two outcomes... One: It does indeed sail toward the other goal, and he gets an "at-a-boy" from the team... or Two: He misses all together and the ball goes sailing right on by him... Usually it's the latter of these two... but he does everything with such grace and lively-ness that you just can't help yourself from cheering him on! I'm telling all this guy need do is start a clothing line called, "bip"...or perhaps, "The Bipper Presents:"...you know something like that. I'm telling you, he'd be rich.


Limping Girl

Next we are brought to Limping Girl. As to why she is called this should be a no brainier... but to those of you reading this with an IQ of 40 or lower I will tell you... It's because she limps! (one person reading this just had an epiphany)... Now as to why she is even playing soccer in the first place is a complete mystery to me... but she does none-the-less. If you can even call what she does playing that is... You see though, Limping Girl wasn't always Limping Girl... in fact we could even call Pre-Limping Girl... Violet. Yes, Violet... why Violet?... because that is the most random thing I could come up with on the fly... So how did this "limp" start in the first place you ask? Well, it was in the second practice we ever had... she was running... and running... and running... then bam! Somehow her foot just decided to catch it's self on the grass. Pain gripped her, and she told us she needed to leave... Ever since that day Violet was but a memory... and faded into who we now know as Limping Girl. Now, one would think that if you injure yourself you would let it heal before you play again, right? well, not if you're Limping Girl... No, instead of letting the injury get better she would play on the "bad leg". What this meant was... A: She was in pain while she played... B: She sucked, badly. and C: You wanted to tell her to get the crap off the field because of A and B... Now a part of me felt a little bad for her, but not really... because I really wanted her to admit she was in pain and get the crap off the field... but that never happened. So we who were on the bench just sat there in agony, not because we felt her pain, but because watching her play so badly caused us such pain.


Inconsistent Soccer Man

Finally, we will end this meeting of the players with Inconsistent Soccer Man. Why do I call him this? Well, for starters he's inconsistent (go figure)...One night he'll be playing with the skill of a thousand—a hundred— well, a couple of men... the next night he is playing with the skill of a dead giraffe. Now don't get me wrong... it's not that he gets in a lethargic state or anything... in fact he's always brimming with energy. It's just sometimes he's a little bit better then other times. For intense, when he's playing with the skill of a couple of men... he can pass the ball well, guard the best of opponents, and shoot the ball with the kind of velocity that would take a guys chest hair off... On the other hand, when he's playing with the skill of a dead giraffe... he's passing the ball to the other team, all over the field instead of staying in his position, and the velocity that he shoots with when he's playing when the skill of a couple of men is no more... Instead, when he shoots in this state, the ball seems to trickle toward the goal... In fact I think one time the goalie took a nap, woke up, and still saved it! One other thing that Inconsistent Soccer Man does, is that he's one of those cheering players... you know, "Guard him, you've got him... don't him get past you!" Like the long distance cheering is really helping him guard the guy... or there's the other thing he likes to do... tell us we can catch up when there's no possible way..."Come on guys, we can do this!"...no we can't, we're 11 goals behind with 3 minutes left in the game... we're toast. He was the original one to come up with the yelling FOAM! F-O-A-M!! after we scored a goal, but The Bipper perfected it, so he doesn't get credit for that one anymore... If I think about it I guess he's just trying to keep everything positive, which is fine... it's just it can get ones nerves.


Well, I hope that "The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team... Meet the Players (2 of 2) was everything you expected it to be and more! And be sure to check back for the newest "Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team" blog dealio, to come sooner then later!

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