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The Picture People Story

*Editor's Note*

This entertaining bit of nonsense was originally posted in July, 2006, hot on the heels of the, "Starbucks ...The Saga Ends" post. I wanted to vent my frustration about them pressing the issue, and since I couldn't write about Starbucks I did (in my mind) the next best thing... I wrote about my second job. This was what came about.
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Prelude to Story:

I warn all who reads this now, the story below is not for the faint of heart, the weak of stomach, or the people who like plush toys a lot. So, ya... consider yourself warned. But if you don't have a problem with any of those things I mentioned you're probably good to go. So... proceed.



Disclaimer:

In light of recent events... just to let everyone know, (so there is no miscommunication) The following story is completely made up. In other words it's not true, it's a lie, a falsity, farce, phony, fabricated, and any other words you can think that mean that type of thing. In other other words please do not come after me with a stick and beat me up for mentioning what I mention, ok?... ok. So as you read this I ask you, no... I urge you to remember... The story you about to read about is fake, that means not real... alright, if you've got that you're good to go...



The Story:

I have been working for the Picture People for well over a year now, and I've found that pretty much everyone who works there likes their job (i.e. taking pictures, bosses, etc...). But when it comes to the company it self... well... it sucks. We get no raises, no time and a half on holidays, no respect from our high, high ups, etc, etc... So my co-workers and I have derived a plan to stop this insanity, and show the head honchos of this company that the little people of this company are more then just... well, little people. The plan we derived consists mostly of duct tape and Corn Pops, as not to damage the structural integrity of the building...

We would show up early in the morning and do stuff... really "witty" stuff. Like putting the props in vicarious positions, maybe tape a plush toy to the wall and stick a ransom note up its nose (if you can do that), and instead of all the tills having a receipt on them stating how much money is inside (like they usually do), they'd have a piece of parchment placed on them saying, "gone"...of course when the head honchos walked in to the store we'd blame it on a poo flinging monkey. And the head honchos would believe us too, because deep inside we all believe that monkeys really do fling poo... Immediately the head honchos would put a surveillance on all stores that sold bananas, (that's bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S) so that if there were a spike in banana sales they would know where to catch their hairy little thief. But of course they'd get there and it would be some washed up soap-opera star that we decided to pin it on, and all we'd have to do is give him a $20 bill and tell him to go buy as many bananas as he could with it, because we all know that if we saw a washed up soap-opera star buying $20 worth the bananas we'd be a bit suspicious... but that's a story for a different time. I mean if you want to be real honest we'd probably eventually get caught. And you know that the head honchos would pull one of those, "We knew it was you guys the whole time, but we just wanted to see if you guys were going to let a poor innocent poo flinging monkey take the rap for you" In which we'd rip off one of the pieces of parchment (just for the crap of it), and run away with the washed up soap-opera star, because he has $20 worth the bananas and we know we're going to need to eat something. And of course as we're eating them we could sing, "This crap's bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S"... because that's what this story's really about.

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Starbucks, the Untold Stories... The Saga Ends?

*Editor's Note*

It was in July of 2006 that it was brought to my attention, (by my then Store Manager) that I had forgotten to delete one of my Starbucks blogs, and would need to do that "immediately". In addition to taking it down, he asked that I make it known that there would be no more "Starbucks blogs" coming from me. To this day I'm not sure that anyone besides him really cared that it was there, but never-the-less I did take it down.
The following, is the post that he asked me to write stating that there would be no more "Starbucks blogs". But he never said I couldn't put my own twist on it, and since by this time I was a little riled up at the situation... I did (put my twist on it).
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Alright... To everyone who reads this, do not cry, blow your nose, or pick up a Uzi and start shooting people... but it's true. Starbucks, the untold stories... blog dealio, is no more. Why, some of you may be asking? These blogs have made people laugh, cry, and even reunited one person with their long lost family! Ok, that last one's not true... (but they were fun) Well, it is do to the fact that certain high up officials in Starbucks found, read, and (in their opinion) did not feel that the content of my blogs were good for general public to know. With that said... in their words, "If I would like to further myself with the company, it is in my best interest to no longer write new Starbucks blogs, and to remove previously posted ones." As such, Starbucks, the untold stories... will no longer be on my site. I am truly sorry that there will be no more Starbucks stories posted, but in this life you have to pick and choose your battles... so, ya. On the other hand, I hope all of you who did get to experience the awesomeness that was a Starbucks, the untold stories... blog dealio will remember them fondly. Until the next blog... see ya.


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Can You Repeat That?

*Originally Posted May, 2006*

Ok, so... I recently acquired a credit card. Not to use irresponsibly mind you, but to build my credit to even greater heights! Well, when I activated my card a few weeks ago I got a rather hard to understand middle-eastern women... Now I'm not racist, but I was having difficulty hearing this women... So I did what any person trying to be polite would do. Push the phone closer to my ear, in hopes that that millimeter will somehow be the difference between, "Can you repeat that?" and, "Oh, uh-huh."...Unfortunately, not even that millimeter could save me this time. I tried desperately to understand what she was saying, but I always found myself saying, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?". Now, I didn't know it at the time, but her mouth had to have an overdrive button, or something... because after the activation of the card she starts spouting off like 5 trillion words per second, it was crazy! All I remember hearing was, "Next I am going to talk to you about the Payment Protector Plan..." and she was off! The next thing I remember hearing was, "Aright?"...In my head I was thinking, "Man, I did not understand a word she just said, except for Payment Protector Plan... I should ask her to repeat that--but gee wiz, I don't want to go through all that again..." So, what came out was, "Oh, uh-huh."

Well, that brings us to today... I had looked up what the "Payment Protector Plan" was, and decided that I didn't think it was for me. So, I called up the credit card company to cancel it... I'm telling you, I would have had an easier time hugging a porcupine... After battling the automated help line, I finally get a human! Now, one would think that the task that I set out to do would be easier once I reach a human, but no... not for me. I tell the lady what I want to do...

In reply she says, "Well, why do you want to do that?" like she's shocked that I would even think up such a terrible thing...

I stated my reasons and repeated that, "I would please like to cancel it."

I guess maybe she thought I sounded unsure of my decision, because she went back on the war-path... "Now sir, I myself have this, and let me tell you, it's great! And!...(Like I'm supposed to get excited)...if you die your spouse will not have to pay for up to $25,000 of you debt!"

...Like I'm really supposed to get excited about the thought of me dying... give me a break. So with one last gust-o, if you will, I rendered this statement, "Listen, I'm single... I have no spouse, or kids. I'm 21, I'm young, and even though I know that everyone thinks their not not going to die young, I really believe I'm not. So, I would still like to cancel."

One would think I had won. But no... she had one last punch, "Well sir, I'm young too and I really like it"

I said, "Well, I'm glad it works for you, but I just don't feel I need it right now. Now please cancel it." And finally, after what seemed like hours...I had won. yay for me. Well aright, more later...

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The Chronicles of the Phantom of the Opera Trip

*Originally Posted April, 2006*


Hello to all! Well, to start off...For those of you who didn't know, I got see the Broadway tour of "Phantom of the Opera" yesterday in Dallas...with that ground work laid lets dive in to the trip...


The Trip There:

So we started our day off by picking Krista (my brother's girlfriend) up at her house. Next, we decided that we were hungry and needed something to eat, so we stopped at Braums for some chow... Now I know what you're thinking, "Man, this is pretty boring...why the crap would I want to read about a boring trip?"...and right you are. That's why courtesy of Caleb (my brother) things got interesting... First we waited for what seemed like 30 minutes in the Braums drive-thru... Oh, wait IT WAS 30 MINUTES! Anyway, shortly after receiving our food and drinks, which almost all of us ordered stuff that wouldn't mess up our clothes (if we dropped them), the unthinkable happened... Caleb spills almost his entire chocolate milk on his tan-ish, white pants... I'm telling it looked like he had uncontrollable explosive diarrhea! But on the front... so I guess it did a u-turn, or something like that. Whatever. Needless to say I felt for the guy. So we went to Target and got him some new pants... And yes, he had to walk through the store that way... Finally we make it to the theatre!


The Show:

The show was good, really good even. Not great, but really good. What can I say, I love the movie! But I will say it might have been better if there wasn't a baby in the freakin' theatre though! I'm telling you how stupid can people get... I can see it now, "Hey, lets just bring the baby, you don't think anyone will care do you?" Just do us all a favor, if you're going to have children... Don't bring them in the freakin' theatre, and let them cry!!...*ahem*... I'm better now.


The Trip Back:

Alright, so we started our journey home... I was really tired because I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before, as such my eyes stung when they had to stay open. But since I'm the compass of the troop, I had to navigate us back to the straight and narrow. Just one little snaf-foo happened. Caleb had to use the facilities, like a mo-fo. So, we looked for a place to exit... When my mom finally decided to choose an exit, she did so in the bad part of town. So Caleb's only choice was a Churches Chicken (Yep, now you know the part of town alright). He dashed inside, and dashed back... with a new appreciation for port-a-potties! j/k Anyway, we decide to stop at Dairy Queen for some food, and of course ice cream! There was just one little problem... it seemed like for every order you had, you could multiply that by 5 min per order and that's how long it took to get the darn thing. So needless to say the DQ trip took a wee bit longer then we thought it would. Finally we made it back... I came into my apartment, and I'd like to tell you I crashed, but no. I watched some TV, ate some chips, then crashed! Ha! Thought you knew me so well... j/k. Well, check for more later.

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Manjari Must Die

*Originally Posted April, 2006*


Alright, I know what you were thinking when you decided to read this,"What in the world is this thing about, and what the crap does 'Manjari Must Die' mean?"...Am I pretty close? Well, if you did ask those questions they are good ones. If you didn't ask those questions one of two things are going on here... One, you just don't care, and you really probably shouldn't be reading this in the first place, but you're going to just because you love me sooo much. (which I highly doubt) or Two, you are just sooo trusting of my blogs that you'll read them even if they're about crap... or mushed crap... or stuff that resembles mushed crap. (I'm thinking there might be like two of you who do this) Anyway, I won't keep you in suspense any longer, so here goes...

"Manjari Must Die" is a independent feature length film that is being shot right here in Oklahoma. Why does this matter to me, you may ask? Well, let's go back to the beginning shall we? ...Ok, I'm being born... Look! there I am! I'm such a ugly baby... Wait, they're pushing me back in!!------alright, maybe that was too far back. Ok so, back in early February I got on MySpace Film (a new part of myspace, like myspace music, but for film... go figure.) Anyways, I looked around at some of the companies on there, and found a couple that do some stuff from here ("here" being Oklahoma in general) Well, on one of the pages I noticed that they were going to be filming a feature length film and two shorts here later in the year. So I e-mailed the guy, wondering if they were had already cast the aforementioned films, or if they still needed people.

Months passed by, and no answer. To be quite honest I had forgotten all about it. Until about a week ago when he finally e-mailed back saying, "I am looking for some college age guys if you would like to audition"...So I did! And yesterday he gave me a call to let me know... I'VE BEEN CAST! And not just a little part either! In fact it's the largest male role in the movie... So needless to say I am pretty freakin' excited about it! Well, that's about all...check back for more later.

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The Events of "Factor X"

*Originally Posted March, 2006*

Hello to everyone out there... on your computer... reading this. Maybe aloud, or perhaps to yourself... or maybe even to your pet fish, Pepper. Whichever the case, I hope you enjoy... and stuff.

Alright so I know you are all wondering what the "Factor X" stands for, and I'll bet some of you bright individuals have already guessed it... It's Starbucks but of course! I just thought I'd get a bit fancy on you, to keep you on your toes...


So, things at Starbucks in the last couple of weeks have been interesting, interesting indeed. In the last few weeks we've had a few people quit, a couple people move, one guy get married...and one person that got abducted by aliens...plaid aliens. (Ok, maybe not the last one, but the rest of them really happened.) My point is that a lot of people have left, leaving us a bit short handed. So my boss went on a quest, if you will, to find us some new Starbucks employee's... But being short handed has meant more hours for me so I haven't minded too much. So I was like a quest? why go on a quest? why don't you just sit back, and take a load off... In fact, here's some jelly donuts. But that didn't work. So he hired some new people...

Ahh, I had almost forgotten what it was like to be so new... so naive... so... well, not good. Anyway, because there will be a new store soon (classified information as to where) we have been training people like a mad person(s)! I'm telling you, there's someone I haven't met before in the store like everyday! I come in, I'm like, "Who are you?" and they're like, "I'm new, I work here." So you give that look like... "Well, I've been here a while... so, ya. You better recognize..." and they're all like... "Ooo, he's been here a while, I better recognize..." but really there are some cool people that have started... it's just a change, and change is... well, change. And you have to deal with it. So, I guess I'll deal with it... where's my shotgun?...j/k. Alright, well, that's it for now check back for more later.

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Do I Smell Something Burning?

*Originally Posted March, 2006*

A pleasant hello to everyone who reads this! And the good ol' double duce to everyone who doesn't... Any-hoo, it would seem like it's been a while since I posted on here. But there are reasons, good reasons... The biggest of which is my computer. What the crap is he talking about you might be saying... well, my computer blew up! no joke.

While watching my Seinfeld Season 4 DVD (shameless plug) I heard a BOOM! I paused the DVD and walked over to my computer. I tried to turn it back on... nothing. What had happened was the power supply to the computer decided it had lived long enough, and wanted to kick the bucket... if power supplies can kick the bucket. The BOOM was it dying. That was followed by some smoke, and a burning smell... not good. So my computer lay there, lifeless... I almost shed a tear, but then realized that this was going to cost money to fix... so I started to ball! I quickly unscrewed the side and took a look inside... it was dead alright. Me being a tech savvy guy, tracked it down to being one of two things... One: Just the power supply had fried, and I needed a new one, or Two: The power supply, and the motherboard were both fried, and my computer was a big paper weight. Obviously I was routing for number one!

So today I went to Comp USA and bought a new power supply, and installed it. I pushed the button... nothing. I looked at the back..."Hmm...what's this? A new power switch on the back? Let me switch it on" so I did, and my computer came to life! It was beautiful, really. Well, I just wanted to update and get back in the swing of things, so check back for more later.

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Jerks and Headaches...Their Common Thread

*Originally Posted February, 2006*

Hello to all! Well, it would seem at long last the sun has graced us with its presence... and I for one thank it for doing so. (I just thought I'd throw that in here). I'm pretty sure you don't care, but whatever, there it is... So I know you're all wondering what do jerks and headaches have in common? And don't worry, I'm not going to leave you hanging... I mean come on, it's me. Sadly, I am the common thread that pieces these things together. I don't know if it's because of the snow, or if people lately just wake up and think, "Gee, I think I'll be a huge jerk-face today!" But whatever the case is, they have been jerks.


Aright so... Today I needed some stuff from the store, and I needed to put my checks in the bank. So I went to the Piggly Wiggly (a local supermarket that's known for bring run down), in the name of convenience... All because it's across the street from my bank. Let me tell you this now... never shop there! For one: Everything is WAY over priced! I mean if you like throwing your money in a trash bag, by all means shop there! But if you don't...run, run vary far away from the Piggly Wiggly... For two: When I get to the check out, the cashier is a "bundle of joy"...which is kinda funny because her name was actually "Joy". lol...

Anyways, I was trying to buy some frozen entree type deals that were on sale for 88 cents each... But when they rung up I saw that they were ringing up at $1.76.

So I politely tell Joy, "Excuse me miss, these (pointing to my frozen entrees) were on sale for 88 cents."

Joy quickly states, "No, that's only on the dinners! ...And you didn't get the dinners!"

Well, there happened to be a huge poster in the window next to us that clearly stated the sale price right on it... So I proceed to tell her, "No, ma'am it says these (once again pointing to my entrees) are on sale, see." ...and I pointed to the sign in the window.

She goes crazy! "I'm telling you sir! These are NOT the ones on sale!"


A manager quickly comes over, and after some random crap from Joy... looks at the poster in the window and states, "Joy, I believe the customer is right."

To which she goes even more crazy, "Why the hell did you put me on register anyway! Huh?!"

He exasperatingly replied, "You know, I'm not sure."

He quickly apologized for her behavior (even though she was still standing right there), and asked if I was satisfied with the outcome.

I thought about saying, "only if you fire her"...But I didn't. I said, "yes"

I then went on my marry way... But let me tell you, that's the last time I go there! Sheesh!


That brings us to later in the day... I'm on my way to work (and I might throw in that I'm on pace to be early), and I'm mosey-ing down the Broadway Extension (a local highway in Oklahoma City) when things come to a complete halt! I mean we're not even close to the construction that's going on up ahead, so I don't why the heck these morons aren't moving... Minutes, and minutes pass by, and we barely move! So I get off at the first exit I come to, in hopes that I can still get to work on time. Oh, but that's just too much to ask I guess... Not only did I hit almost every red light, but I think I got stuck behind every crap face in the metro area!

So I finally get to work... late! (which I'm never late, so it ticked me off a bit) So the night goes on...Things finally get better, my mood improves and so on and so forth. Then it happens... I bend down to pick up some loose change on the floor, and when I get up I hit my head really hard on the corner of the register! I thought I was fine, and started to walk it off... Then I got really light headed... I leaned against the counter, then one of my co-workers got me a chair to sit on... After a while I was good again... Well, with the exception of two things... One, I had a giant headache. and two, I couldn't remember certain things. I, for one, thought I was AdamSandler... So that was my first idea that something might be wrong... For two, I started answering the drive-thru, "Hi welcome to.... umm ... wherever you are". So then I was almost certain something was wrong...Then I couldn't remember the name of the regular that had just come in... Which was weird because I just called her by her name not even 5 minutes ago. Then the roof started caving in, and Ziggy Stardust came through singing "Suffragette City"! And... ok, ok, just kidding on that last part. Finally, my co-workers came to the conclusion that I had gotten a case of selected amnesia...You know though... I still can't think of that ladies name... It's driving me nuts! Well, whatever...

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It's Just Another Day...

*Originally Posted February, 2006*

Hello people of the internet! So I will pick up where I left off... Valentine's Day. So... I spent my Valentine's Day doing number nine on my list, and I must admit I enjoyed hearing the sound of children crying, and grown men screaming, "My legs, I can't feel my legs!!"...ok, I'm j/k. Actually it was spent working... all day. Yep it's true, the only free time I had was spent writing on here posting this. But it was worth it...


Anyway, at my photography job things were crazy! And by crazy, I mean...umm...well, crazy! We had so many appointments that we were turning people away! I got kind of scared too, because some of the people who got turned away didn't look too happy... and by me saying they didn't look too happy...Umm, well... how can I put this? Aw, I know. I mean they looked like they were going to get their Uzi and shoot the ever living crap out of us. But I mean what can you expect when you're trying to make an appointment for later that day? I mean the nerve... It was Valentine's Day! You know, come to think of it they were lucky I wasn't pulling out my Uzi and shooting the ever living crap out of them! ...*ahem* Anyway, I tried my best to make the peoples' kids that came in look as beautiful as possible, but since some of them needed a rather large spanking on the hind quarters it was impossible... So to get back at those kids I didn't give them a happy face sticker, ha! I showed those little kids! *ahem* Ya, so then that job was over... and I left.

Later I was off to Starbucks... I had recently seen the new Pink Panther movie with Steve Martin, and had a french accent stuck in my head. So I found it irresistible to talk with a french accent... all night. Unsuspecting drive-thru-ers were greeted with, (what I thought) was a pleasant french voice. Which most people enjoyed, some hated with a passion... and still a few yet that couldn't understand what in the world I was saying. A couple of times I slipped into my Irish accent, and found that quite enjoyable too. In fact one lady, in like her 30's, thought it was my real voice and asked...


Lady: "Which part of Ireland did you grow up in?"

Me: (In a thick Irish accent) "I grew up in the fine region of Tucson... Arizona." Then I start talking normal...

She cracks up and says, "You should be an actor!"

I said, "I am!"

She continues, "Well good, because you should be!"

I finish with, "Thank you."

...and they drove off. Probably to see the wizard... the wonderful wizard of Oz... or something like that.

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The "Special Edition" Valentine's Day Blog

*Editor's Note*

Originally posted the day before Valentine's Day 2006, this blog of awesomeness was somehow unintentionally deleted (over two years ago) from the recesses of MySpace never to be seen again...until now. This classic that "started it all" (for the Valentine's Day blogs) was the first Valentine's Day piece written for humans to feast upon, and chuckle at their own singleness...I'm sure of it. Now somehow digitally remastered, it can now be viewed in its full 1080p glory. So here is your chance to read the blog, that hundreds have called "a blog about Valentine's Day" for yourself. I now give you the one, the only...the original, "Special Edition" Valentine's Day Blog" from 2006.
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Actually, unlike the title says, there is absolutely nothing "special edition" about this blog. I just put it in there to make all of you single people feel better on Valentine's Day...if you feel better, it worked...if you don't...you don't. and nothing I can do is going to change that, so why should I even try?...*ahem* Well, ok... I'll try.


So here it is...Valentine's Day. Doesn't feel any different then any other day... I mean the sun is shining, the birds are singing... people are still cutting me off on the roads. Yep, love is definitely in the air. So just yesterday I was in the mall when I happened to glance at two guys that appeared to be about 14 or 15 years old in the food court... I mean there's nothing unusual about two 14 or 15 year old guys being in the food court, right? But there is something a bit disturbing about them both holding Victoria's Secret bags. I mean I wonder what was on their perverted little minds... because I'm guessing it wasn't perfume in those bags... Anyways, let's not go there.

So you might be asking yourself, what can I do? I have no Valentine... Well, there's no need to fret! For I have compiled a list of 10 things you can do on this Valentine's Day ...all original too! (as in I made them up...I didn't get them off a forward or something like that)...and here they are!



You Could:



1. If you're not single, and don't have a date with your bf/gf...spy on them to see if they're cheating on you...which will get you single really quick (if they are, or aren't cheating), then you can look at the other nine of these!

2. Watch your favorite movie with your best friend. (aww)

3. Read a book...because reading will help keep your mind off of it being Valentine's Day ... as long as the book isn't about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness...If it is, then you're screwed.

4. Watch your favorite movie with an alright friend or friends (because your best friend has a bf/gf, and isn't a loser like you)

5. Live in the past and pour over old pictures of ex bf/gf's and be like... Now that was a good Valentine's Day.

6. Ask a complete stranger off the streets, who looks like a nice person, to watch your favorite movie with you... (because ALL of your friends have a bf/gf, and aren't losers like you)

7. Call a 1-900 number, or one of those singles hot-lines... because chatting with someone on Valentine's Day at least makes you feel better...right? (like you're ever going to get to talk to a guy or a girl that looks like the one on the commercials)

8. Watch a movie that you hate with a complete stranger you met in like Wal-Mart... It's not like you're going to be watching the movie anyway... I mean it's Valentine's Day, dang it, and you want some action!

9. Take a machine gun, and go around the city blowing the crap out of people, because you're single on Valentine's Day, and not happy about it! (I don't suggest this one)

10. Kill yourself. (I don't suggest this one either)



Well, there it is the "Special Edition" Valentine's Day blog...do with it as you will...and try to have a Happy Valentine's Day...just not too happy.

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Events of Gibberish in the Life of Ben

*Originally Posted February, 2006*

Hello to all, I hope this post finds you doing well, or close to well....or not dead (you should be one of those). So it would seem that my life has been somewhat full this week. Full of stuff, things...events some might even call them. It all started with the fateful death of my little cell phone and went on down from there... You see my phone died on the 28th of Jan., but I wasn't eligible for a new phone until Feb. 1st... So I had to rough it without communication to the outside world for what seemed like 10 years... Now I know what the Dark Ages were like...people talking into paper cups with string attached to the end of another paper cup. And you're all like...that's really awesome I can sort of hear you, but in reality it sucks and all you hear is a sound that somewhat sounds like Scooby-Doo...."Rye rink rhis is rwesome, rye can rear you"...yep, it must of been tragic times alright.

Anyways, after the few days without a cell phone I went to a cell phone place, and got a phone... boy do I love to spend money on cell phones(he says sarcastically). I hate cell phone companies. So after dropping a considerable amount of dough at the cell phone place I went to get the oil changed in my car. I had a coupon so it was a good deal (yes, I finally remembered to use one of those darn coupons that I'm always buying from people, boo-ya for me!). But I should have known that the spending money part of my day was far from over. When I got back to pick up my car they said that a belt of importance was going to break soon, and would take other stuff of importance with it when it went. Oh, and would most likely leave me stranded where I was. Well, when you put it that way I better fix it... So there went more dough... a lot more dough. I think I was on the verge of shooting someone. So I came home and did the next best thing... killed people online. (in a game, for those of you who got that worried look on your face as you read that last sentence) Thus ending what seemed like a day straight from Hell...

Then the weekend came... After dealing with customers that treat you worse than the gum on their shoe, and bosses that are self-centered... and more of that other stuff I said... the weekend finally came upon me. It started last night, and pretty much ended there too, but whatever. Anyway, so I went over to Tim and Jesse's house with a junk load of people to watch a movie. We ended up watching "Just Like Heaven" with Reese Witherspoon, some dude and Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) it wasn't bad...I mean Jon Heder was funny... So ya, good times? Still working on that...

So today I originally had requested off, but ye ole' Starbucks didn't let me have it off, so I gave my shift away. Then like an idiot I took someone else's shift in an earlier time... stupid, stupid, stupid! Head... hit... keyboard. So it started with me teaching a girl that's been there 6 weeks to do the bar... Which she should have already learned... a long time ago! So I'm just standing there painfully watching her try to do bar... and teaching her. Then of course we get swamped, I take over get us caught up, then we try again. She finally gets the hang of it... and the peasants rejoiced... big time.

So finally I ask the boss on duty if I could go. Just when I was about to till out and go home, the girl I had been training gets sick and starts throwing up, or tossing her cookies, bowing to the white throne... or whatever you want to call it. Then within two minutes of that, the guy that was supposed to be there in like 3 minutes calls and says he'll be late! So... 30 min later I finally get to till out and leave, but wait! The boss that finally gave me release to go is counting his till! So why don't I wait some more!!! I don't have a life, really! I mean for the love of donuts. Anyway I finally got to leave, and now I hope that my weekend will take a turn for the better with Ali's Super Bowl Party tonight... well, ok...until next time...bye.

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R.I.P.'s

*Originally Posted January, 2006*

Hello everyone.The story you are about to read is true... all of it. As such, make sure you have a tissue or a boyfriend/girlfriend near by when reading this, thank you.

I remember when I got it, it was a thing of beauty, it looked younger, and more... shiny. It lived a long, happy life; doing what it did best...making phone calls. It did it's job well, my little cell phone. Many conversations did it hear, and ...stuff. But alas, last night at Starbucks the cell phone saw it's last setting sun. Here is that some-what not inspiring story...


I had just finished my shift at the local Starbucks in which I work. I put away my headset, and put the battery in the charger to,well...recharge. I counted my till and was bringing it back to the drawer when the unthinkable happened... As I rounded the corner from the back with the till in my right hand, and my cell phone in my left a fellow Starbucks employee inadvertently bumped into me causing me to lose control of both my phone, and the till with the moo-la in it. I had to make a quick decision... I did not have time to catch both, the phone, and the till before they plummet on the hard floor below. So do I... A: save my phone and watch the till with the money go all over the floor, and be there probably unpaid for what's sure to be at least another 30 min, while I clean it all up, recount my till, see if anything's missing, if anything is., find it , or take it out of my own money? ...or B: catch the till, and watch the fate of my thankless little buddy as it hits the hard surface below? Well, I chose B. I indeed caught the till, and indeed the phone hit the ground. It was a hard fall, one that laid a crushing blow to the little cell phone. The only words I can muster up to say are... Rest In Piece's... two to be exact. the end.

PS: Funeral services times for Ben's cell phone have not yet been made...please feel free to send your condolences...and cash.

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Life... and Stuff

*Originally Posted January, 2006*

Ok, so... it seems for the most part that serious posts are a bust around here... So, I'm going back to my attempt at comedy, beware. So, ya...I kicked off the good ol' weekend by, well...working. It was jeans day, which only comes once a month at Starbucks... so it's kind of the highlight of the month for some Starbucks employees (As sad as that may be). As it was jean day (like I said above), and since it is such a big deal (also, like mentioned above), people brought good stuff to eat... like cookies, home-made cup cakes, store bought cup cakes, and one of those little vegetable sampler things that have ranch in the middle. But, to my extreme dismay there were almost no more little vegetable sampler things left by the time I got my turn to get some. So I picked up a couple of little straggling carrots...ate them dry (because they hogged all the ranch). Then grabbed a couple of cup cakes and bolted on my ten minute break. To where I ate them both with no remorse for taking more then one. Ha, I showed them! Other then that the day at Starbucks went well. I said some words to customers...no, really. What do you except me to do? Sign their order back to them over the drive-thru speaker...gosh! And the day finally came to an end.

After work I went over to Tim and Jesse's house for what was promised to be a night of fun for all... right. A: Never trust Tim when he says that. B: umm... Never trust Tim when he says that. So, when I showed up they were in the middle of watching a movie entitled, "Meet the Browns" which I found quite funny I must admit. After the movie, I felt the feeling you get when your stomach is so empty that it's eating the body fat you have, which for me there is none...so it was very important that I get some food in my body pronto! So Kelsi, Gretchen, Susie (Some girls I know... they are of little importance to this story), and I went to get some food for ourselves...(because the guys had already ate without us) Mmm...Taco Bell never gets old. Alright, so when we get back there's this big box with stuff in it, lying right in the middle of the floor...When we inquired about what the box was; we were told it contained a desk that needed assembled. Yes, the party was nothing more then a clever way to get free help to put together a stupid computer desk...that's low. "A night of fun for all"... very low indeed. What's more is most everyone didn't even help us! They sat on their butts telling us, "No that's wrong, you need to put it this way"...I almost said if you want it that way get your behind down here and do it yourself, punk....face. The night continued this way until the end when we at last finished the desk...which took quite a while because the only people working on it were Kelsi, Gretchen, JT, and I. But we won't go into that...Well, I'm getting a bit tired so I best be off to bed...check back for more soon.

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Haystax, Poker, and Lack of Sleep

*Originally Posted in January, 2006*


Alrighty then, so I started off my weekend by going to a birthday party for Kelsi (a girl I know from my old church) who turned 25. Fun was had by all, especially when a certain 5 guys...*ahem*, including me...gave a "special presentation" for her...don't ask...I mean you can, but I probably won't tell you. Somewhere in here the night came to an end, the girls left, and us, the guys... played. Nintendo... For a long time. After all of us were tuckered out from playing Game Cube we tried to get some shut eye.

My friend, Brady, and I ended up talking while the others slept. We talked....and talked....and we talked some more. I tried not to doze off while we were talking on subjects of interest to us all, although I fear I might have once or twice. Finally the sun rose...and yes, we were still talking. We talked until 8 am and then were overcome with sweet slumber....until 10:15 am. Yes, we slept a whopping 2 hours and 15 min...yay for us. After I regained conciseness Tim (another friend of mine) made oatmeal with toast for us. I guess oatmeal and toast go together... He said, "It's good! Try some."...So I had some... Shortly there after decided that left over cake was the way to go for breakfast. Then I left...and came home to clean for the poker night.

After cleaning ye ole' house for the upcoming poker event I went to my brother's b-ball game. It was much like last week except the kids on the other team were jerks. That's right if you're reading this and you played on the other team... you, and I mean YOU were a jerk...face. The officials seemed to have a bias against our team, and one of them seemed to be coaching the other team... So, I decided to talk to the one ref after the game...which I did. While I stepped up to him to give my commentation I realized that the fellow was rather huge, and could kill me easily. So as well as I can on here I will reenact the moment...

Ben: "Excuse me, are you the coach of the other team?"

Ref: "No, I'm the ref."

Ben: "So you're not the coach of the other team though?"

Ref: "No, I'm just the ref."

Ben: "Oh, well...then, keep reffing... ref."

Call me what you want, but I got the heck out of dodge.

As for poker night, it was fun. I lost... at times it seemed un-orderly... I lost. Jay and Kyle Anne brought the new intern Jared and introduced him to everyone... and I lost. But it was still a fun night none-the-less. Ali and Caleb ended up splitting the pot at the end of the night, and me....I lost. Well, that does it for now... Check back for more later.

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Go Haystax? (A Night in the Life of Ben, While He Watched a Basketball Game)

*Originally Posted January, 2006*


Alright, so last night I indulged myself and went to see my brother play some basketball on his and his friend Andrew's team, "The Haystax"...yep, The Haystax...in this league that they're in. But I was not merely there to cheer on the team as one would think...no, not at all... but to observe, take notes, and of course heckle...the players...and refs....and the score keeper guy with a hangover.


Ok, so the night began with the Haystax practicing. Right off I noticed a couple of difference between the two teams...One: The other team had more players... a lot more players. Of course it's easy to have a lot more players then the other team when the other team only has 7 people show up...Two: No, black man(s)...I mean it's like an unwritten code that there needs to be at least one brother on any given' team...I mean I'm sure you've heard the expression "white men can't jump" well, I'm here to tell you...it's not an expression, it's the truth. (well, for the most part) They did have one guy on the team that was a bit darker, but I decided he was more of Adrian Monk meets my good friend Michael Wylie...hmm, hmm... don't ask, because it's not a good thing.

With this said the game began...or so one would think. I mean the tip off came and went, players had already missed baskets, but one thing was wrong...the clock...it hadn't started, thanks to the moron with the hangover. So after some yelling at the guy with a hangover the clock finally started to tick... Andrew, Caleb, and this one guy with a 5 on his jersey (I think it was a 5 anyway) started off good, and quickly you would see that the only chance of their team winning would be these 3 stepping up...which they did. They played with heart, and for the better part of the game stayed close behind the other team.

I would of course like to believe that my constant heckling of the players, and refs had something to do with it. I'm telling you it worked. All I'd have to do is wait until one of the other teams players got fouled and went to the free throw line...Then I' start saying, "Look, Hallie Barry!" it worked an impressive 3 out of 4 times. One other thing that happened was when the opposing team once made a 3 pointer the turd faced score keeper guy with a hangover gave them 4 points...and he was leaving it that way too. So I did what any good older brother should do...Yell out the correct score that should be on the score sign dealio. Soon I was joined by a chorus of parents chanting the right score at the score dude with a hangover...of course in one chant I screamed, "Lay off the the booze!" But that was besides the point...*Ahem*...Despite a great effort from the aforementioned players above the Haystax still lost. So we did what any losing basketball team would do...go watch Glory Road (a film about a underdog team that won!). Anyways, so that concluded my night, and I dare say this blog...so, check back later for new stuff... hoight!

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Ben Goes on a Wedding Trip (AKA,The Not-So-Told Nashville Stories)

*Editor's Note*

This was originally posted in January, 2006. In fact it was the first blog after the Starbucks blogs had to be taken down. How's that for an interesting fact, huh? Oh... it's not interesting? Sorry. Read on.
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Ok, so... Since there can be no more "Starbucks stories" I thought I'd take a you, the reader, (in case you didn't know who you were in all of this) on a little journey, to enlighten all of you (fine readers) to the experience that was Nashville! To place the proper setting....Some 5 peoples go to Nashville for our friend, Jay's, wedding. Setting set...let stuff begin.



Day 1.

Alright, to start things off... Me, and 4 other guys stuff themselves and all their stuff in my car and we start our trek to the city of Nashville. Now to introduce the crew...First there's me, tall studly dude with no butt, so my lack of butt starts to hurt 5 hours into the trip guy (AKA, the driver). Second there's Jay, Mr. glue a phone to my face (AKA Mr. ring off the hook face...AKA, the groom). Third there's Caleb, the fart anytime, anywhere I don't care guy (AKA, the fart machine). Forth there's Andrew, the I can't tell if you're mad or not because your face looks the same all the time guy (AKA the guy that your mom would let you go out on a date with because he's a nice guy...guy). And fifth there's Josh, the hey! You lookin' at me, because if you are I'm going to smash your skull in guy (AKA, the I can bench press a 150 lbs guy). Mix all 5 of us together, let us sit in a car for 10 hours, and you have a recipe for the best spicy chili casserole you've ever tasted (AKA, trouble). So pretty much the conversations on the way there consisted of...Pooshswah (sp?), Caleb playing Kingdom Hearts...So you hear...Ohh!Ooo!Ahh!NO!!Yes!Lucky! More Pooshswah...don't ask. Us talking about how wild of bachelors we are because we're listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack, and yes...more Pooshswah. Seriously, you don't want to know. We get to Nashville, we help with some stuff...shmoota, shmoota, shmoota. Then, sleep. By the way in case you really wanted to know "Pooshwah"...... is a kind of cheese. You and your dirty mind.



Day 2.

We wake up, and join up with a sixth person! Blake, the guy (AKA, the tall, I wanna do fun stuff the entire time guy). We decide to go soak up some local color so we go to this freakin' huge mall and kill some hour-age...Yep, it was fun...I had soda come out my nose and land in my chicken on my plate, I couldn't stop laughing... nobody else was really laughing but.... I guess you had to be there. Anyway, next we go to the wedding rehearsal...It goes well, we go to the rehearsal dinner/hay ride...in the freezing freakin' cold and light rain...We take a hayride. It's really hard to make hayride interesting so, ya...I'm skipping that. We eat, I say a poem I wrote for the occasion, people clap for me, and it's off to bed!



Day 3. Wedding Day...

First I woke up, which is good to do, it means I'm still alive... So that means I was already having a good day because I didn't kick the bucket...Next, I went with Jay to the hotel suite to turn it in to a love shack...And oh btw, we were successful...It was the love-ist love shack that ever shacked...yep. Finally the wedding... I'm wearing a Tux (boom baby!), everybody looks great, the bride and groom get married (which is typically what you want the bride and groom to do at a wedding). We go to the wedding reception, look cool in our tux's (boom baby!) and watch the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon (AKA, the love shack)....ummm and ya, we call it a night. I doubt they did though. Just sayin'.



Day 4.

Well, we went home...Actually we took a...umm, how do you say it. A Detour...To Mississippi...because we missed our exit. Then after that we were on the straight and narrow. 10 hours or so later we arrived in OKC, kissed the ground we walked on, and then washed our lips because we kissed the ground...and that's nasty. And that 's pretty much the whole trip...More to come from Ben soon.

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Starbucks, the Untold Stories... Part 4

*Editor's Note*


In January, 2006 the last "Starbucks, the Untold Stories" blog was posted. Even though I never told anyone what location I worked at, or the real names of any of my co-workers. I was sat down by my boss, who had a copy of all my blogs (yes, Mr. FOCUS BEN RICHARDSON face), and was told, quote, "If I wanted to continue to be employed by Starbucks I would delete the blogs immediately and post no further blogs of this nature". I was also told that my site would be watched by corporate for the next month. Just to make sure I was complying... Just a little sketchy huh? Oh the price we pay for art.
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Well hello again. After the long and painful wait…of waiting. A new Starbucks blog dealio has been created for you, the public!…or private…(I guess that would depend on where you are sitting and/or standing when you read this…) *Ahem*…Anyways, this time around it’s all about the stories…of the customers…and the co-workers… and co-workers that happen to be in the stories with the customers. Like in the first three parts of this blog saga, be prepared to read about stuff…crazy stuff. Stuff that you thought only happened at IHOP at 2am in the morning… (you hear *gasps* in the background) And the craziest part is…they’re all true...I promise. So… sit back, take off your shoes (if you’re wearing shoes)… and be prepared to chuckle… to yourself…moderately. As before the disclaimer below is there to protect the identities of the dumb, dimwitted, and the down right stupid…Not to mention the smart, nice, and really, really good looking cool people… so read it. And without further ado I present to you, “Starbucks, the untold stories…Part 4”


DISCLAIMER

The following customers and co-workers identities in the following stories below have been changed to pretty much keep Ben from getting fired, and to keep from hurting the feelings of his fellow co-workers should they find this material offense, and know it’s about them… But if that’s not good enough for you…The following names below have been changed to protect the people we loosely call customers, and the people I call co-worker, friend, and bip. (Bip: A French word meaning roughly good…j/k)



Man of Action?

Now I haven’t quite figured out why, but I have found that people persist on being in a big fat hurry where ever they’re going… It doesn’t matter if they’re on their way to work, on their way to school, on their way to prison…they’re in a hurry, and they want their drink yesterday! Oh, and they’ll make you aware of that fact too, “ Hey buddy! I’m on my way to work, could you speed it up a bit?! I’m running late!” Well, for one: two words. leave sooner… then you won’t be late. Second: umm…well, no… I can’t go faster. So…just sit in your car and… wait… patiently… because crapping at me will do you no good. Another one of my pet-peeves are the people that can’t wait two seconds for you to take their money…no, they have to put it on the little ledge thingy and roll up their window before you can talk to them, because you know all Starbucks employees have a certain decease that if you talk to them for two seconds or more your face will fall off, or you’ll catch “The Ugly”… Now, when customers try to pull such a deed on me I do not allow it to go on. I simply just look at the customer, then I look at the bill (like it has a decease) and wait for the customer to roll that BMW window down and talk to me. Usually I get some dirty looks but it works…But sometimes a bill will… well…shall I say, “spread it’s tiny wings and fly away”…I mean what did they except? It’s Oklahoma, there’s wind. Now if they ask me, I will go around and retrieve their poor wind blown bill, but if they don’t…I won’t.

So that brings us to the story at hand for the title “Man of Action?”… This particular event happened earlier in my career at Starbucks…I remember it well… It was a busy, sunny, weekday morning. I was running register in the drive-thru. The next person in line drove up to the window and pleasantly handed me his debit card…But I dropped it! I told him I would get it…but I didn’t have time to run all the way around the building…that would have taken too much time! And I couldn’t let him get it, I mean after all it was my fault it happened! So, without much thinking I did the only thing I saw fit to do… dive… out the window. With my top half near the pavement, and my bottom half still in the window I tried with great passion to reach the card I had dropped…finally I reached the card! Just one thing, the sharpie that was on my apron fell off…farther under the car then the card did…I reached, and reached and finally got it!…I felt myself slipping. I turned around to find out not only am I half way under the guy’s car…but that I’m more then 80% out of the window. I tried to push myself back up, but it was no use…I was stuck. I tried calling for someone to hoist me back up, but obviously not anyone had noticed an entire employee not in the building anymore. After seconds, that seemed like minutes… the guy in the car called out to the Gentle Giant saying, “Man over board! Man over board!” …no joke. The Gentle Giant then hoisted me back up and all was well again in the realm of Starbucks. Well, except for the fact that everyone was laughing at the mental picture of me hanging out of the drive-thru window during the rush-hour rush…Oh well, what can you do, right?



The Man with the Iced Venti Americano

Like I stated in the aforementioned story above, people are in a hurry… no matter what time it is, no matter what day it is…And this goes for the café too. Not as often as the drive-thru, but believe me their there. As such, a Starbucks employee gets used to the demands of the hurrying customer; and tries to get them on their way as quickly as they can. With that said let us dive in to our story.

It was one slower afternoon…I was running the bar in the café when a gentleman entered the premise in a flurry of hastiness! He came quickly up to the counter and ordered an, “Iced Venti Americano, to go!”… So I made his drink as speedily as I could and handed it to him. Now usually when a person comes in, in that big of hurry they b-line it for the door as soon as they receive their beverage. But for some strange reason after he received his dink he made no effort to go. Instead, he moseyed on by the coffee beans rack and started looking at the whole bean coffee…Now I don’t have a problem with people looking at the whole bean coffee, but when you come in as fast as he did and tell me, “I want a Iced Venti Americano, to go!” something isn’t right in the state of Denmark…

So, real incognito like I watched the guy while I pretended to be making a drink…I kept this up for several seconds while the man conspicuously browsed the coffee…He then looked left, then right, then left again...Then all of a sudden…He grabbed an arm full of whole bean coffee and sprinted toward the door! Without thinking I bolted after him! I thought about leaping over the counter, but that thought didn’t go very far, so I ran as fast as I could around the counter toward the front door! In mid dash I passed by the Assistant Store Manager…she was giving me a very strange look, probably due to the fact that I was running like a mad man…So as I passed by I said, “I’m chasing a shoplifter!” and bolted passed. As I made it outside… it turns out The Coffee Master was right behind me in my pursuit, and dashed through the front door a couple of seconds after me…I looked to the left, then to the right…I had lost him. The Coffee Master said, “You go right, I’ll go left.”…so I did…because he’s The Coffee Master… and you do what The Coffee Master says, dang it. I looked to the right but there was no sign of him.

A few moments later The Coffee Master came back holding the would-be stolen coffee. Now, I’d like to tell you that there was a big fight and The Coffee Master was forced to break into some sweet Matrixy kung-fu action…but sadly that wasn’t the case...the truth is, he found the guy in his SUV, walked up to him and said, “Excuse me sir, do you happen to have a receipt I could look at for that coffee over on the passenger seat?” The guy then replied, “Oh… I must of forgotten to pay for those. You can take them.” I’m sure The Coffee Master wanted to say…Oh, gee thanks, that’s real nice of you… since it’s our coffee, jerk face!...but he didn’t. After the ordeal was all said and done, both The Coffee Master and I wondered if it was really worth the risk we took to retrieve the 3 lbs of whole bean coffee…After thinking about it for a few moments we both looked at each other and almost instantaneously come to the same conclusion…Nope, wasn’t worth it.



The Money’s Always Realer…

Now to all those who are reading this…I don’t know where you work at (or if you even work at all)… But it has been my experience that when a customer gives you a $20 bill or higher, and you check it to make sure it’s real; they are almost insulted at the very thought of you thinking that they might be a crook…but hey, I have to do my job right? right. So get over it…because we all know that people who drive nice cars can be crooks too! Ya, that’s right buddy... That brings us to the story at hand.

Now, I receive what feels like a trillion bills of tender on any-givin’ typical day on register…especially when I’m on drive-thru. As such, one gets well acquainted with his, well…money. You know… the look, the feel… of cotton-- I mean cash…*Ahem*… Anyway, one normal day (and I dare you to define “normal”) while I was doing drive-thru, a man drove up and politely paid for his drink with a $20 bill…Now, there’s nothing unusual about a man paying for his drink with a $20 bill… So I took the bill, but it felt a bit strange. I looked down to notice that it was an older $20 bill…I held it up to the light to look for the security thread that is placed in the bill…but there was one little snafu…it wasn’t there! The bill was a counterfeit! So, I broke the news to the man as politely as I could…To my surprise, like it was no big deal, he said “What? Really? You’re kidding?”. I said, “No sir, I’m not kidding…see, (I showed him the bill) no security thread…” He then reached into his wallet and pulled out another $20 bill, and said, “I wonder if this one fake too?” and then handed it to me…I mean come on, for the love of doughnuts…you can’t check it yourself? Anyway, I took the bill and held it up to the light… it too was indeed counterfeit… He then replied (in the same tone as before), “wow, that’s crazy, I just got these from the bank.”.

Now, up until this point I truly believed that he was the victim of getting some counterfeit bills…but after that statement I just looked at him like, ok buddy what are you trying to pull?…sure you got those bills from a bank. I mean banks are always letting counterfeit bills slip right passed their security. Give me a break! Did he think I was born yesterday? Alright I’m done ranting, back to the story… Obviously after that statement I was a bit suspicious... Well, more then a bit… So I took the $20 bill and passed it around to everyone, let them see it, and pointed out why it was fake…then, like a dummy I gave it back to him!…why, you ask? Because…well…umm…I don’t really know...But anyway, he still needed to pay for his beverage…so, he pulls out a $100 bill, and before he could even possibly know it was real or counterfeit he stated, “Here, I know this one’s real.” I looked at it. It was indeed real…

Now I ask you, how in the world did he know that that bill was real without looking at it? ...unless he knew the other bills were fake? (some kind of bum, bum, bum music plays in the background)… Hmm, very interesting wouldn’t you say?…So finally the drink came out and the man, driving a rather nice car, left… I decided it would be a good idea to get the license plate number…So as he left I looked at the plate…The guy had personal license plate… Now I don’t know why it surprised me, but it was “AMEN 1”…go figure. I should have known that it was some religious zealot...I’ll bet he’s one of those guys that beats up his dog then somehow says, that’s God will …what a jerkateer! Now some of you might be saying… Ben, you just gave us his license plate number…you can’t do that, that’s evidence… But I’m not giving away evidence, because you would have to say what state it was from, and I sure didn’t say what state it was from, OK!...gosh!

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Starbucks, the Untold Stories... Part 3

*Editor's Note*


Looking back on these blogs it's hard to believe, but back in December, 2005 these, "Starbucks, the Untold Stories" blog dealios were the talk of a town... no really. So much buzz surrounded this blog in particular that random people started coming in to my store to see if they could guess which co-worker was who (From what I wrote in the blog). Little did I know at the time that this was the beginning of the end for the 'Starbucks' blog series. In fact, a couple of months later I would be forced to take them off the internet for "employee safety", but since it's 4 years later now, and no one from this post works there anymore I figure it's all good.

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Hello again everyone! That’s right after months of anticipation it’s finally here! Part 3 of the “Starbucks, the untold stories” blog dealio. As in part 2 it’s still all about the co-workers… that’s right more juicy gossip, unbelievable rumors, and… stuff like the first two things I said. So sit back, relax, pop a bag of popcorn and read…”Starbucks, the untold stories Part 3… The disclaimer below is there because if you do seem to recognize the people at Starbucks from this blog, you won’t know their real name, and if they read this they’ll be like, “Well, that’s not my name, so that must not be me”…. or so I hope.


DISCLAIMER

The names below have been changed to protect the dumb, dimwitted, and down right stupid….Not to mention the nice, smart, and really, really good looking cool people. Otherwise from the names being changed, the descriptions below are pretty darn accurate… Starbucks does not necessarily concur with the views or statements below….So don’t sue them…. And now, without further ado…The other co-workers.

Smart Guy Face

First, we'll talk about Smart Guy Face, we'll call him that because he looks pretty smart with his glasses…on his face… heck, I’ll bet he really is smart...Anyway, Smart Guy Face, as well as a few others started the same day as I did. He’s one of those guys that if you called him nasty names, insulted his dog, called him…more nasty names…he’s never going to get mad. He’ll just look at you like he looks at people that do that kind of stuff to him… and by the face that he’s giving you, you know you’ve done wrong…The thing with him though is, almost nobody knows how old he is…(Twilight Zone music plays) It’s like a huge mystery that most of the co-workers can’t get out of him. He looks about 23 or 24, but rumors fly about him possibly being as old as 30….I know how old he is, but I’m sure not going to be the one who breaks this bubble…Oh the scandals of Starbucks…Other then that he’s a stand up guy, because he’s sure not sitting….Ok, ok, I know cheesy…what I meant was there’s no dirt on him….Ohh, you know what I mean.

Mood Ring Girl

Ok, next is Mood Ring Girl, we’ll call her that because her moods are like the Oklahoma weather, if you don’t like the one she’s in… wait fifteen minutes it will change. Working with Mood Ring Girl (who also started the same day as I did) can be somewhat of an adventure sometimes… Though she’s nice most of the time, in the midst of rushes sometimes she can get a bit….well…moody (go figure). Also, until recently I was a nerd to her…How do I know this? Because she told me, “You’re such a nerd!” It doesn’t get too much clearer than that…What changed this cynical view of me you ask? Me… doing the robot…yep…seriously…I kid you not. And to think, I thought I was pushing myself off the edge of nerd-dome… So now what am I to her? A cool nerd! ya, baby! I’ve upgraded…Well, that will do it for Mood Ring Girl…

Short Cuppin’ Cakes

Alrighty then, moving right along…Next is Short Cuppin’ Cakes, we’ll call her that because (a) she’s short (b) she’s pretty sweet…like a cup cake…or whatever. Ok, so Short Cuppin’ Cakes is put on the “bar” frequently, why we’re not quite sure …We think the boss needs a good laugh so he puts her there…why is it funny? Because she is shorter than most everyone else there, and it’s hard for her to reach certain things…So, well she’s trying to put the beans in the machine she’s like on her tip toes…You’re like, “don’t lose your balance”…I know that‘s mean… She should take some ballet classes…heck, thanks to this job she could probably start at an advanced level…Other then that she really just wants to be at home with her husband…and I can respect that.

The Gentle Giant

Next on the agenda is The Gentle Giant, we’ll call him that because he’s like 6’5”, big (muscular, not fat), and he’s not mean. (which is a good thing) One thing’s for sure though…he can cook….on the bar! (making coffee drinks, not like chicken or steak) I would say he’s the 2nd fastest bar in all of the Midwest Region Starbucks, in the central part of the Oklahoma City area, Across from hospitals. Yep, not bad at all… And no, for all those of you wondering… I am not number one…don’t cry… Sadly The Gentle Giant will be leaving us soon, leaving a tremendous vacancy at our Starbucks…Get it? He’s the Gentle “Giant” and he’s going to leave a tremendous vacancy?....Oh, forget it.

Drama King

Ok, next we come to the Drama King. I call him that because he’s an actor, and at times he’s just a plain drama king…To understand Drama King, we first have to know the Drama King… First off, it seems he never gets to do café; they stick him in the drive-thru every time to fend for himself…why they do this is beyond me because he doesn’t really like doing drive-thru…or the people that come through it…of course he doesn’t really like a lot of things about Starbucks, as he will let you know… At times there are crazy drive thru-ers which he just can’t handle…(which would be about one out of every three customers for him) In which he doesn’t handle in the best way… Let me tell you, you do one thing that he thinks is not…kosher…then he’ll just give you the finger as you leave…or maybe utter a nasty phrase or word at you…most of which you will never know, but for me and the other co-workers watching him it can be at times funny, and at other times…well…not-so-funny. He’s just the kind of guy you have to take with a grain of salt…

The Nice Guy

Okie-dokie next is The Nice Guy. Why do I call him The Nice Guy you ask? Because he’s the guy your mom would probably let you go out with (if you’re a girl that is, if you’re a guy…he doesn’t swing that way). He not the best at what he does, but then again…he’s not the worst…So I guess you could say that The Nice Guy is your nice and average Starbucks partner… But there is a quality he has that sets him apart from the others…what is this quality you ask? (yes, I know I assume you people ask a lot of questions, but whatever…) Well… he taught me the fine art of killing flies with a rubber band of course! How do you do it you ask? Well, you take a rubber band and--…well you--…well, it’s hard to explain…but I can tell you it’s a great pass-time! In fact I think they should add it to the Summer Olympics, but that’s just me…

Miss Lazy Pants

Alright, Miss Lazy Pants is next. Why do I call her Miss Lazy Pants… I think you can figure this one out by yourself…Now don’t get me wrong, I think she is a nice person and all, but she has the fine (or not-so-fine) art of looking like she’s working, but she’s really not doing a dag-blasted thing down to a science… What I find rather amusing is the fact that she really can’t figure out why she hasn’t been promoted…umm…gee, could it be that the boss sees you almost sleeping when you think he’s not looking? Naw…couldn’t be…although I will say, if I were the one that did what she did even for two and a half seconds, he’d be like, “FOCUS, BEN RICHARDSON!!” and not only would I not ever get promoted, I’d be fired or something…oh well, in the words of Jim Carry, “that’s the way the cookie crumbles“

Boss Lady

Moving right along, we go on to Boss Lady. I call her that because as you can probably guess…she my boss…well, one of them. (it’s tough being the low man on the totem pole) What’s to say about Boss Lady? Well, in one sense she could have been called Mood Ring Girl 2, but then you have to think about her situation…She has to work right under the “Big Boss” of the store, “Mr. FOCUS BEN RICHARDSON! Man” (which is enough to drive almost any sane person into insanity I’m sure), throw in some incompetent employees, working with, “Mr. FOCUS BEN RICHARDSON! Man”, throw in the Christmas rush, a par-trish and a pear tree, and of course “Mr. FOCUS BEN RICHARDSON! Man” and I think I’d be moody too. She really is a nice lady, I just think she under a lot of stress…and I don’t think working under “Mr. FOCUS BEN RICHARDSON! Man” helps any either…

The Coffee Master

Next we come to The Coffee Master. I call him The Coffee Master because he is omnipotent in all things coffee. I first met The Coffee Master in training, and was blown away be the speed in which he can make drinks…And yes, for those of you wondering he is the fastest bar in all of the Midwest Region Starbucks, in the central part of the Oklahoma City area, Across from hospitals… I feel as if he’s the “Yoda”, if you will, of our Starbucks and if you listen to him you will become stronger with the force— I mean faster on the bar. Not to mention he’s just an all around cool guy…except for the occasional “good games” he gives...which is a pat on the booty.... (which of course I do not have…) so there’s that rather awkward moment where we look at each other…then we’re both like…ok, whatever…and go on with our lives.

Singing Barista Face

Ok, so now we come to Singing Barista Face. Why do I call him that? Well for starters he has a face, he’s a barista, and he sings. Not well mind you… but it’s the amount of passion in which he sings that captivates the heart and soul of the Starbucks cliental…not to mention the humor. When the unsuspecting customers of the drive-thru hear these notes of passion…. Some laugh, some cry, and some say, “don’t quit your day job” (In which to this he turns to me and says, “This is my day job.”). Still others ignore the fact he sang at all… “Ya, gimmie one of those large…mo-cha lattes”…dolts. More like we’ll give you a swift kick in the…umm...pants, crapface. How can they be such heartless souls anyway? What if he was one of those sensitive guys that got hurt easily? What if he did something tragic?! All I have to say they’d feel pretty bad…well, maybe not ordering like that…”large mo-cha latte”…dolts. And for those of you who think that his melodies of joyousness end in the drive thru… they don’t. If you come in and he’s in the café, you will indeed be serenaded…with notes… of song… and wittiness. Anyway you look at it, you gotta say Singing Barista Face is one happy peppy person…well, on we go!

Mr. Laid Back

Alright, next we come to an individual that gives new meaning to the word patience. Mr. Laid Back. Why do I call him that exactly? Well…I don’t think it’s possible to make him mad….that would be a good reason eh? But you say give me an example…alright…”Hey, Mr. Laid Back we’re out of this…” He’s response, “It’s all good, man”. “Hey Mr. Laid Back so-and-so says they can’t make it to work tonight”. He’s response, “Hmm, alright... cool” Sometimes you just want to test him…you know like saying… “I won the lottery last night, and I’m giving you all the money!” He’s response of course would be… “Cool”. In fact I’d say fifty percent of his vocabulary is the words “cool” and “man”… And on top of that it’s very rare to hear a sentence longer than like five words…Somehow I picture him fitting in the1960’s very well…”Want some drugs man?”…”Cool.” j/k. No, but really he’s a cool cat bro--… Oops, looks like it’s pretty catchy…

The Sweet One

So next on my list comes The Sweet One…So why would I call her The Sweet One? Well, she’s one of those girls that if you wanted to be mad at her you just couldn’t. She’s always ending her sentences with please and thank you, and…stuff…that sounds like…well…please and thank you…*ahem*. So what on earth could I write on about her you may (or may not) ask? Well…let’s just say you can usually can tell when The Sweet One is on bar…not because people are mad and giving us the bird (which does happen), not because drinks are getting made slow (this indeed happens too), and certainly not because she has two left feet!…j/k (ok, so the last statement was not totally actuate). So how do you tell, you ask? Her steam wand! It’s a mess! Crusted over with between 160-180 degree milk that looks, and probably tastes like a booger straight from your nose….except they're a little whiter...and…possibly more crusty. Scary thought eh? So what did I do you say to save you, the public, from this horrible crusty, booger tasting milk problem? Well, I gave her such a hard time about her lack of clean steam wanding habits that now one of two things happen when I work with her…One: she keeps her steam wand clean and the peasants rejoice …or, Two: I clean her steam wand for her and the peasants rejoice…So either way you look at it you win…well…get your drink…that you paid for…without crusties… whatever.

Buff Guy Face

Ok, here we come to one of my favorite people to work with… Buff Guy Face. Why do I call him that you ask? ….Well, as you might be able to guess, it’s because of the fact that he’s huge! Walking though doors sideways…ripping phonebooks with his…muscular muscles...ok, well… you get the picture…Anyways, in the rather slow afternoons of Starbucks he is better known as my partner in crime…As to this I mean, he aids me in my mischievous acts of the afternoon. Let me elaborate…As you, the unsuspecting, fun hating—I mean loving, frappuccino drinking customer come though the drive-thru to make an order…you might not hear exactly what you might be expecting to hear… For sometimes I answer as an automated computer voice like you might hear when you’re on the phone with Sprint, saying, “For the love of God, let me talk to a real human!”…yes, that’s how I answer…well, sometimes. Now I know what you’re thinking….You would be able to tell the difference between a computer and a human…but that’s where you are wrong. The fact is, we have it down to an art…First, I take the order like a computer, most of the time the person really thinks it’s a computer, but can’t believe it…”That’s amazing!” some say…the other percent of the time is where he helps me…When they pull up to the window…Buff Guy Face: “How do you like our new automated order taking drive-thru?” Customer: “Wow, you mean that really was a computer?! I’m telling you technology is getting too advanced… one day it’s going to replace us, you know.” To which we tell them that it was me all along…and they leave…not happy…because they were fooled…by a Starbucks person, and that’s not cool. By the way that customer really said that "technology" line.

Mr. Artistic

Ok, next we are lead to Mr. Artistic. I call him that because most of the awesome drawings in the store are done by him, with the exception of the stuff that sucks….that’s me. One thing you might notice about Mr. Artistic is that he gets this blank look upon his face, often. I like to call this look, “Drummer face” why, because to me it looks like the face most drummers get when they’re really intensely playing drums…Another thing about Mr. Artistic is that sometimes he tries to act black…you wouldn’t know it from just looking at him, but the man has the riming skills of a …well…a white man… a white man that can’t rap. But that’s what makes it fun. Picture this, a man, a artistic man…rapping…you’d laugh too... aright so, over and out.

2nd String Singing Barista Face

Next on the list is 2nd String Singing Barista Face. Why do I call him that…well, because to the surprise of most at our Starbucks, he too sings to the public…To be quite honest I’m not sure if he’s copying Singing Barista Face, or doing what he thinks is original….sometimes when I work with him it feels like he’s one of those new superheroes, in the sense that it feels like he’s got talent at Starbucks (not in singing), but he doesn’t know how to control his “power” if you will….example one: Don’t sing what feels like two verses of song when we have a line of cars to the main road…I’m mean I’m a fun lovin’ guy and all, but come on work with me a little…example two: If you’re trying to score points with the Oklahoma Starbucks customers don’t sing a song that’s all about Texas!...what this will get you is…beat up, your head flushed down a toilet, and your dog thrown to the bottom of the river… But really folks, he’s a nice guy, and pretty ok on the bar…so go easy on him.

The Transfer

Alrighty then, next is The Transfer…Now if I have to tell you why I call her that, I’m going to have to just…tell you, I guess. Well, she transferred from another location, so I call her The Transfer…there, are you happy?! At first we didn’t quite know what to make of The Transfer…but to approval of everyone she learned quickly, and does her job well. She, like Short Cuppin’ Cakes, is really quite short….The difference between her (The Transfer) and Short Cuppin’ Cake’s is…while Short Cuppin’ Cakes might take your crap, and heckling or what-not… The Transfer will look at you like, “Just keep it up buddy, I dare you...” And looks like she could light you up… like… a Christmas tree…on the forth of July… I think the short, boney little women must have some Italian in her…well, that or a wicked right hook, either way I’m not going to push her too far and find out… One thing is for sure though…she pulls her weight…she was sick the other day. and thus called in sick…go figure… it took us all day to catch up from her not being there…of course if it was Crapface that called in sick I don’t think we’d notice much of a change…I can see it now, “Hmm…is it warmer in here? Or is it just that the cold, dark, bitter personality of Crapface isn’t here?”

Miss Spunky Pants

The next fellow is a fireball, believe you me. That’s why I call her Miss Spunky Pants. She has so much soul, that if you could bottle it, people would only have to buy Campbell’s soup to warm their heart…because the soul would be fine…not to mention if you could bottle it you would probably have made a pretty good bomb. The thing is with Miss Spunky Pants is that she is usually so dossal that you wouldn’t think under that hat she usually wears that there’s a crazy ball of fire lurking beneath. It’s true…I think her real job is Bat-Women! How else could you explain the reason she can’t work nights. The fact that when she gives you “the look” you believe she really could kick your butt. And last the reason, the fact that I saw her per-roo-sing around town in the bat-mobile! Ok, ok, so maybe the last statement isn’t completely accurate…but I still wouldn’t be surprised if she really was Bat-Women.

Miss Sarcastic Face

Next we are brought to Miss Sarcastic Face…gee, I wonder why I would call her that??? could it be she’s very sarcastic? No way!... As you can see, she has a catchy type of personally. The thing with her is, you can never tell when she’s serious or not…which sometimes can get a Ben in trouble…One moment we’re joking around and having what I think is a fun time…and the next moment she’s all like I’m not joking, go clean the bathrooms… I mean dag yo, now that’s cold. I can picture it now… she gets married…she’s all “lovey-dovey” and the next thing the guy knows is he’s sleeping on the couch...for not saying thank you with a British accent while watching reruns of Family Guy on the fourth Tuesday in July, or something stupid like that…To add insult to injury (so to speak) she doesn’t like the way I do drive-thru…don’t do this, don’t do that. Gee, I’m sorry I don’t live up to your qualifying qualifications for the Starbucks quality drive-thru…Also, she has haled herself the “your momma joke queen” and if your momma joke isn’t up to her “par”…she’ll just look at you and say, "that was stupid"…no joke. Hmm…the only outcomes I’ve come to are, maybe she has forgotten how to feel, maybe she’s never had a guy, maybe she’s got a stick stuck up her…umm…nose. I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s one of those… But in the end it’s only going to hurt her…so to end this properly…This is for you Miss Sarcastic Face…Your momma sooo fat, she had to hale a dump truck instead of a taxi! …lol...gets me everytime.

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Starbucks, the Untold Stories... Part 2

*Editor's Note*

When you're reading this blog please remember that the original post date of this was back in October, 2005 and I have grown as a writer since then. Please do not hold this against me, it is being posted for pure nostalgia. And so that you will hopefully find some humor in it.

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A pleasant hello to everyone out there, and welcome to part 2 of the untold stories of Starbucks dealio. This time around it's all about the co-workers... So you know it's going to be some what exciting...well, maybe. Anyway before I dive-in I must first tell you that I have changed the names of the people in my story to protect the identities of the stupid, dim-witted, and down right dumb...AND so if they read this blog maybe they won't know it's them and not want to kill me...Well, alrighty then...


First, lets just go ahead and start out with public enemy number one. We'll call her Crapface, because... well just because... Anyway, like I said in part one I've been working at this Starbucks for about 4 or 5 months, and to be completely honest I really want to like everyone I work with, and I try to have an open mind and all that good stuff. But sometimes there's just that one person that gets under your skin like no other... That person is Crapface... Since the day I met her she gave off this vibe like, "Hey, I'm a jerk, I think I'm better then you, and you better do what I say or else I'll act like a baby" Which is how she acts...go figure...

It started back in the day when we'd only been open for like a week or two... She starts sharing with everyone in the room her sex life....like I, or any co-worker and/or customer wants to hear about her sex life (well, except for that occasional pervert person that might be listening). Now don't get me wrong I can put up with some stuff, but let me tell you a couple of times she got kind of graphic... We're at work! You don't talk about crap like that at work... I mean really, come on...

So then she starts telling me how to do this, telling me how to do that...Acting like she's the queen of the world and I'm her little slave, and I better do it this way or else...I mean if you're going to treat someone like crap on your shoe while you tell them how they're just totally doing what ever it is wrong, you could at least be right about what you're talking about, but she was right ONCE, out of like a dozen times (or close to it) I mean for the love of donuts... Either read up on the right way to do something or shut up... And if you're not going to tell me nicely...shut up.

So finally after a like 3 months of this crap from Crapface I finally say something, not much mind you...It was short and to the point... I was scheduled on the "bar", and I simply turned around and very firmly said, “Don’t EVER touch my bar again." Because she was moving everything around, and I'd asked her tree times already to please not move anything...You should have seen me I looked really mad...(probably because I was) Well, you would think that she would back off, right?...Wrong. For some strange reason she tells me her mom's a lawyer, like I'm supposed to care... I guess it was supposed to scare me into thinking that if I didn't stop what I was doing right now she was going to sick her mommy on me...give me a freakin' break... Well, I think that's good enough on the Crapface situation. Check back again for part 3, the other co-workers...