Ben's Life Presents: Twisted Tales of Truth

*Originally Posted September, 2006*

Well hello! So alright, here I am on the other side of 22... not much different then 21, I don't really feel too much older. But I can tell you this... the grass was greener on the other side. Well... so far. But more on that later... because to get to the present you must first start with the past, then move forward to the present, then maybe we'll move to the future... maybe. or I could just ramble on, and on, about crap like this for a sentence or two more... j/k

First off I will take you on a journey to the not-so-long ago. As some of you may recall, earlier this year I had landed one of the lead roles in an independent feature length film that was being shot in Norman. Things were going great! Then it unraveled. As of last month we had been filming for two months, and were about to finish shooting the movie in three days. When out of the blue (wherever the heck that saying came from) my director calls me and leaves me a message saying, "Hey Ben, umm..."

---Now I'd like to interrupt right here for just a second. Just to let you know (in case you didn't know this already) if someone starts a sentence with, "umm, dot, dot, dot" it's most likely not going to be the most joyous news you've ever heard. Ok, back the story...

So he said, "Hey Ben, umm... I'm sorry to have to tell you this... but I'm going to have to let you go, and re-cast Denny (my character)... It's not your acting, really. But your chemistry with the lead actress just isn't working out. So... thanks for all the time you put in, but... don't bother coming to the shoot Wednesday ok? Bye."

Well alright... now I haven't been in a lot of movies, but I've been acting long enough to know that you would know before two months if two of the leads had "chemistry" or not. Not to mention he wouldn't even answer my phone calls when I tried to call him to talk about it. So... with all of these things said, in my opinion, I think he's full of something... and it isn't chocolate. Oh well... I guess that there is something on the horizon that's better... well, I hope.

Next is a story that I'm sure will have most of you reading this saying to yourself... "Ben's a freakin' idiot" ...or something close to that. But that's ok I still have to tell it anyway. Why? because I'm me, and I gotta be me! *Ahem* So, as aforementioned above, I am now 22 years old, and as such I am definitely feeling the pressure to not be a failure in life as I grow older. Well, that's where this story begins...

About one week ago while working at Picture People I was offered the position of Assistant Manager. I would be making a lot more money then I am now, I would be in management (obviously, hints the name "Assistant Manager"), and... I would have to give up trying for Shift Supervisor at Starbucks... Picture People gave me 24 hours to think it over and see if I wanted the position. So, I called my boss at Starbucks and told him of the offer, and asked if he could give me a "yes" or "no" on being a "Shift" there. He stated that he could not for at least two weeks. Wished me all the luck in the world (if I took it), and that I needed to let him know what my decision was within the next couple of days.

Well, because I was under the gun I did what almost any other red blooded American would have done... I took the job. Now to me Picture People has never been an A+ corporation to work for, in fact I would even lean toward the fact that they have sucked as a company. So, I had to ask myself why was I going to move up in a company I think is not so great? This is where you'll think I'm crazy...

The more I thought about it, the more I thought, "You know, Starbucks has always been good to me, and Picture People hasn't been, not to mention they haven't gotten back to me in a few days about the details... is this a sign of what's to come if I work for them as a manager? Laziness, and no communication?"

So, despite the money and the title... last week I told Picture People that I would like to not take the position after all, and told Starbucks that I was staying... what's so crazy about this you may be asking? Well, the fact is, is that I don't know if I will be promoted to "Shift" until next week, or the week after... So I might of made a grave decision, but oh, well... you got to do what you think is right, right? right. well, that's it for now, more coming later...

The Picture People Story

*Editor's Note*

This entertaining bit of nonsense was originally posted in July, 2006, hot on the heels of the, "Starbucks ...The Saga Ends" post. I wanted to vent my frustration about them pressing the issue, and since I couldn't write about Starbucks I did (in my mind) the next best thing... I wrote about my second job. This was what came about.
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Prelude to Story:

I warn all who reads this now, the story below is not for the faint of heart, the weak of stomach, or the people who like plush toys a lot. So, ya... consider yourself warned. But if you don't have a problem with any of those things I mentioned you're probably good to go. So... proceed.

Disclaimer:

In light of recent events... just to let everyone know, (so there is no miscommunication) The following story is completely made up. In other words it's not true, it's a lie, a falsity, farce, phony, fabricated, and any other words you can think that mean that type of thing. In other other words please do not come after me with a stick and beat me up for mentioning what I mention, ok?... ok. So as you read this I ask you, no... I urge you to remember... The story you about to read about is fake, that means not real... alright, if you've got that you're good to go...

The Story:

I have been working for the Picture People for well over a year now, and I've found that pretty much everyone who works there likes their job (i.e. taking pictures, bosses, etc...). But when it comes to the company it self... well... it sucks. We get no raises, no time and a half on holidays, no respect from our high, high ups, etc, etc... So my co-workers and I have derived a plan to stop this insanity, and show the head honchos of this company that the little people of this company are more then just... well, little people. The plan we derived consists mostly of duct tape and Corn Pops, as not to damage the structural integrity of the building...

We would show up early in the morning and do stuff... really "witty" stuff. Like putting the props in vicarious positions, maybe tape a plush toy to the wall and stick a ransom note up its nose (if you can do that), and instead of all the tills having a receipt on them stating how much money is inside (like they usually do), they'd have a piece of parchment placed on them saying, "gone"...of course when the head honchos walked in to the store we'd blame it on a poo flinging monkey. And the head honchos would believe us too, because deep inside we all believe that monkeys really do fling poo... Immediately the head honchos would put a surveillance on all stores that sold bananas, (that's bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S) so that if there were a spike in banana sales they would know where to catch their hairy little thief. But of course they'd get there and it would be some washed up soap-opera star that we decided to pin it on, and all we'd have to do is give him a $20 bill and tell him to go buy as many bananas as he could with it, because we all know that if we saw a washed up soap-opera star buying $20 worth the bananas we'd be a bit suspicious... but that's a story for a different time. I mean if you want to be real honest we'd probably eventually get caught. And you know that the head honchos would pull one of those, "We knew it was you guys the whole time, but we just wanted to see if you guys were going to let a poor innocent poo flinging monkey take the rap for you" In which we'd rip off one of the pieces of parchment (just for the crap of it), and run away with the washed up soap-opera star, because he has $20 worth the bananas and we know we're going to need to eat something. And of course as we're eating them we could sing, "This crap's bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S"... because that's what this story's really about.

It's Just Another Day...

*Originally Posted February, 2006*

Hello people of the internet! So I will pick up where I left off... Valentine's Day. So... I spent my Valentine's Day doing number nine on my list, and I must admit I enjoyed hearing the sound of children crying, and grown men screaming, "My legs, I can't feel my legs!!"...ok, I'm j/k. Actually it was spent working... all day. Yep it's true, the only free time I had was spent writing on here posting this. But it was worth it...

Anyway, at my photography job things were crazy! And by crazy, I mean...umm...well, crazy! We had so many appointments that we were turning people away! I got kind of scared too, because some of the people who got turned away didn't look too happy... and by me saying they didn't look too happy...Umm, well... how can I put this? Aw, I know. I mean they looked like they were going to get their Uzi and shoot the ever living crap out of us. But I mean what can you expect when you're trying to make an appointment for later that day? I mean the nerve... It was Valentine's Day! You know, come to think of it they were lucky I wasn't pulling out my Uzi and shooting the ever living crap out of them! ...*ahem* Anyway, I tried my best to make the peoples' kids that came in look as beautiful as possible, but since some of them needed a rather large spanking on the hind quarters it was impossible... So to get back at those kids I didn't give them a happy face sticker, ha! I showed those little kids! *ahem* Ya, so then that job was over... and I left.

Later I was off to Starbucks... I had recently seen the new Pink Panther movie with Steve Martin, and had a french accent stuck in my head. So I found it irresistible to talk with a french accent... all night. Unsuspecting drive-thru-ers were greeted with, (what I thought) was a pleasant french voice. Which most people enjoyed, some hated with a passion... and still a few yet that couldn't understand what in the world I was saying. A couple of times I slipped into my Irish accent, and found that quite enjoyable too. In fact one lady, in like her 30's, thought it was my real voice and asked...

Lady: "Which part of Ireland did you grow up in?"

Me: (In a thick Irish accent) "I grew up in the fine region of Tucson... Arizona." Then I start talking normal...

She cracks up and says, "You should be an actor!"

I said, "I am!"

She continues, "Well good, because you should be!"

I finish with, "Thank you."

...and they drove off. Probably to see the wizard... the wonderful wizard of Oz... or something like that.