*Editor's Note*
Originally Posted in February, 2007 this blog of stereotypes has it's ups and downs. But overall I believe that it shines through as an enduring piece of random literature that lifts the spirit, and umm... soothes the soul?
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Well hello to everyone out there reading this! It would seem that it's that time of the year again... Valentine's Day. Yes Valentine's Day, the day more people get: teddy bears, heart shaped candy, and laid then any other day of the year (well, it's true). If you're single you'd almost think that this festive holiday of love comes more then once a year, but it doesn't. Now I know nobody reading this is single, and/or in need of something to take your mind off/ cheer you up of the fact that it is Valentine's Day... But I thought that I might as well do something for the precious few that will feel lonely, unloved, and suicidal. That's why I have written "The Valentine's Day Stereotype Countdown Blog", what it is... is an extravaganza of stereotypes of today's society (the top 10 to be exact... in no order), and the top 5 things they could do this Valentine's Day if they're single... so, read on... and maybe, just maybe this will take your mind off this festive holiday of love... or put you in the mood for tacos... one of the two.
If you're...____ you could...
Emo:
1. Converse with your friends about how the world is a cold and horrible place to live, then in the next minute converse about how you see the beauty in everything.
2. Watch one of those twisted independent films where the person falls in love, falls out of love, her ex dies, she figures out that she really did love him but it's too late... So she marries the first dip-stick to come along with a decent physique, only to find out he's abusive, then she ends up killing him and lives un-happily ever after in prison... the end.
3. Shut yourself in your room and write that new hit song, "I Must Be Alone in My Principles, and That's Why I'm Single"... because song titles really are getting this long and ridiculous.
4. Get some black hair dye, mascara, and a hair straightener, so you can look like a women without having one.
5. Slit your wrist. (don't really)
Musical Theatre/ Drama:
1. Everywhere you go just tap dance and sing... you know, like any other normal day in the life of an musical theatre major...
2. Be in a show... after all some of us are just to busy for love.
3. Just walk around all day humming the tune... "My Funny Valentine" and hope that someone catches your subtle hint at wanting a companion on this festive holiday of love.
4. Go to a show with your other single friends and criticize the crap out of it... because A: You're single, and B: You're not in it.
5. Drink, pass out, and wake up in some box by a dumpster next to a guy with a mo-hawk that does an impression of you, doing him, doing you, doing him... on ten. Isn't that weird? Ya, I thought so.
Nerd:
1. Have a Star Wars watching marathon with all your friends... because yes, all of your friends are single.
2. Play that new Mega Multi Player Online video game that you can supposedly play with your toes!
3. Go to the local comic book shop and buy the newest issue of "Supergirl", because that's the closest you're actually going to get to an attractive girl.
4. Create a "virtual girlfriend" computer program.
5. Hire a... well, you know what... No, not that... a personal trainer.
Prep:
1. Go and buy some new clothes... because spending money somehow eases the pain of being single.
2. Talk on the phone with your best single friend for hours rambling on about how, "you can't believe that piece of slime dumped you a week before Valentine's Day for that other bimbo"
3. Go to a movie, in a crowded mall, with your crowd of friends... wearing your tight Abercrombie & Fitch pants (guys and girls) and hope that someone you know will spot you on the "social scene" and not think you're a total loser.
4. Go to a club alone?!... and hope you can sweet talk one of the fellow preppies into being your "fix" for this festive holiday of love.
5. Do the unthinkable... call a "1-900" number.
Skater:
1. Skate on a park bench... because to you Valentine's Day is just another day.
2. Sit around a table and talk to your fellow "dudes" about what's up in the world... besides Valentine's Day.
3. Spend the whole day searching for that "perfect" jump, and once you find it spend the rest of the day trying to land it in front of cute girls that walk by.
4. Stay at home and watch, "Grind", but then have to clean your room... because you're 25, still live at home with your parents, and life sucks!
5. Take your skateboard, and face-plant it into every bozo that you think looks at you funny... because it's Valentine's Day, you're single, and you're not taking crap from anyone!
Hick:
1. Sit in your 12 in 1 Lazy-Boy like you usually do when it's not Valentine's Day, and never have to move to: eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, watch TV, get a beer, change the channel, work (because you don't a job), talk on the tely-phone, pick your nose, wear plaid shirts, take a "bath", check facebook (if you're a rich hick and have a laptop computer with wi-fi).
2. Talk to your "friends" about what's going on in the world... besides Valentine's Day, and politics, and sports, and world peace, and how stuff works... and basically anything that requires brain activity.
3. Hold up a sign by the side of the road that reads, "Wood u bee mi Velent-nine?!" with your smilin' buck teeth just... umm...*shinning* away.
4. Just walk up to a girl and carry her off. (what? It worked in "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers")
5. On Valentine's Day carry around an axe, and take off the head of the first person that says, "Look, it's a single hick with an axe!"
Goth:
1. Go to your favorite hang out spot... Hot Topic.
2. Go to your "Shrink" and talk about how you want to "beat the man", and "stick it to society"... then go to Starbucks and order your frappuccino.
3. Hang out with your fellow single, pale skinned, weird colored haired friends, and watch something like "Friday the 13th"... because if you watch any of that mushy love crap you're just going to kill someone.
4. Kill someone. (Don't do this one)
5. Ask a prep out on a date?!?! (I suppose you shouldn't actually do this one either)
Ghetto:
1. Just chill at your "pad".
2. Tape some broken flowers together and try to give them to your ex-girlfriend. Saying that for the sake for this "festive holiday of love" you should get back together.
3. When your ex turns you down, take those same taped flowers and try to give them to random women that you meet... saying, "Come on baby, I taped these just for you!"
4. Steal a nice car, parade around for the rest of the day in your "pimp-mobile", trying to pick up chicks in your illegitimate ride.
5. Bust a cap in anyone that looks that you weird... because it's Valentine's Day, your single, and that just ain't right. (restrain yourself from doing this one too)
Normal:
1. Watch a DVD... at home... by yourself.
2. Sit around with your friends and talk about... what girls/guys you wish you were going out with, and politics, and sports, and world peace, and how stuff works... and basically anything that requires brain activity.
3. Pretend to lose a contact in front of "Hooter's" and see who comes out to help you look.
4. Get some Valentine's Day cards, write your phone number on them, and stick them inside every girl you knows mailbox... and wait to see who calls you back first.
5. Order a "Mail-order Bride"
Religious Crowd:
1. Praise the lord that you're still single at age 28...
2. Just hang around with all your other saved friends that are also waiting for "Mr. Right", and hope that he magically comes to sweep you off your feet... that is if he is: Well dressed, brings flowers, wears the right kind of cologne, isn't too tall or too short, is exactly two years and seven months older then you, and of course he has to be active in the church... if he doesn't meet all of these qualifications, he's already struck out.
3. Walk up to the hottest girl in church and say, (in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice) "Thus say-ith the Lord, you are going to marry mee, and we will have several children's... and somehow be related to the Kennedy's... Alright, I'm going to go talk to Sean for a second and give you some time to let this sink in, I'll be back."
4. Show up at the annual "Christian's Only! Valentine's Day Speed Dating Extravaganza".
5. Go out with an "unsaved" person!
Unfortunately "Pirate" was currently #11 on the top social stereotypes, so maybe next year...Well that's it for this year's Valentine's Day blog dealio...hopefully it got your mind off of the "festive holiday of love" or put you in the mood for tacos...
