The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team... Meet the Players (2 of 2)

*Originally Posted March, 2007*

Well hello to all! At last it's true... After the long, tearful, and (for some) beard growing wait. "The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team... Meet the Players (2 of 2)" is finally here! For you... the peoples... to read... Commercial interruption!!!!

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...*ahem*... like I was saying it is finally here for you... the peoples... to read... and stuff. So! With that being said... Put on your favorite pair of pants, use the bathroom, and pick up that half eaten bag of Cheetos sitting on the floor next to you... and read, "The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team... Meet the Players (2 of 2)"!

FUN AND (MAYBE) USEFUL INFORMATION:

One last thing before you dig into that bag of Cheetos—I mean the blog... As a little extra fun, I had enough forethought in writing these that in either this, or the last installment of the "Meet the Players" blog dealios I wrote a character in "third person" that is really me. So, see if you can guess which character is actually me, and how I played soccer! (remember it can be in this blog, or part one) If you think you know which one is me, put your guess in your blog comment, or I suppose you can message me. And I will let you know if your are right of not.

The Pillsbury Soccer Girl

Alright, so for the second part of this blog dealio I thought we'd start off with, The Pillsbury Soccer Girl. Why do I call her this you may wonder? Well, the reason is, is that every time she kicks the soccer ball, or someone pokes her she goes, hee-hee! And all though I know the Pillsbury dough boy goes, "hoo-hoo!" and not "hee-hee" I don't really care. She does share other similarities with the dough boy as well... Now I don't know if you've ever noticed, but the dough boy frolics... And she, like the dough boy, seems to frolic from place to place. It's not that she's that graceful, but there's just no other way to put it...i t's a frolic. So, between the, "hee-hees!", and the frolicking the other team sometimes just looks at her instead of guarding her... This in turn gives The Pillsbury Soccer Girl the opportunity she needs to score a goal... or miss (which is more actuate). well, sometimes it works... But even if she does miss, she just frolics her Pillsbury Soccer self right on down the field until the next time she gets to try and score, and shout, "hee-hee!"

I Think I'm Good Face

Ok, now we come to the one I like to call, I Think I'm Good Face. Why shell we call him this? Well, it's because in his mind he is God's gift to us on the soccer field. In reality... he's not even close. In fact, if you're going to compare him with a gift I'd be more likely to compare him with crap... Ahh, yes... the gift of crap. It's on everyone's list! Actually, I would say that his talent level rivals that of a... rabbit. Yes, a soccer playing rabbit. He's all over the place, legs hopping everywhere... kicking at everything... shooting from our own goal box... telling his teammates, "how hot the other team's women are"...*ahem*. But, yes, that's it. That's all he does... in fact here's a little stat for all of you to feast upon... He has never once: scored a goal, passed the ball, or gotten a date with an opposing teams girl... see what I mean? I Think I'm Good Face... I mean even George Costanza even got a date from time to time...*shakes head in shame*

The Blond Guy That's Not That Good

Alright next we come to The Blond Guy That's Not That Good... So why would I name him The Blond Guy That's Not That Good? Well, as his name would suggest, he's blond, and not that good... hints the name The Blond Guy That's Not That Good. The fact is, it is very frustrating to play with him because sometimes I think you could lay a piece of crap of the ground in his place and no one would notice that he's not the piece of crap... You see, it's the same routine every time... he gets there all energized and goes through the motions of thinking he's really getting pumped up (I swear he does this to Weird Al's "White and Nerdy"), he gets mentally ready to beat the other team... then stands on the field like... well... a piece of poop. The sadder thing is, is that at the end of the game he really thinks he contributed to the team in some measurable way, when in reality the game had ended 30 minutes ago, and he's just waking up from his state of comatose. "Let's get pizza! Any one up for some pizza?"...umm, no The Blond Guy That's Not That Good, we're all going home... we're tired, we actually played hard. I have nothing else to say on this matter... PS: He's dopey looking, really.

The Iron Horsett

Here we come to The Iron Horsett. So why do I call her this? Well, because I thought "The Italian Stallionett" was a bit cheesy... Besides I think this has a good ring to it. She, like The Italian Stallion, knows how to handle herself (on and off the field) Off the field, she is most of the time an awesome person to be around, but on the field she's like a train on a mission to get to it's destination... In this case the destination is the ball. If you have her "destination" I do heavily advise you to get out of harms way (because Harm's a nice guy, so cut him a break...j/k)...But really, I do advise getting out of her path! Only if you value your life though... if you don't you're fine. The fact is, she is quite serious about getting the ball... maybe too serious. Not one to back down from a fight of any kind, The Iron Horsett will get that ball away from you anyway she can... whether that means knocking you unconscious, impairing your senses permanently... or even if it means black-mailing your mom (you hear a hush in the background)... so don't mess with her.

Defense Girl

Ok, next we come to Defense Girl, as her name might suggest she likes to play defense... maybe too much. How much is to much you may be asking? Well, when you're subbed in on offense and your team has the ball... and she starts yelling, "Someone get on offense! I don't want to be on offense! Here, switch me! Be on offense!" I think there might be a problem. It's not that she's bad...i n fact she's quite good at defense, but this might be taking it a little far. I mean I like to be where I'm going to play the best I can too... it's just a little funny sometimes how serious she takes it. (I mean after a loss one time I swear I saw her tare into the ref for a call he made in the first half, while blinking!...j/k) What is even funnier is when she's not in the game...(I'm not being mean... Just read on...) She'll stand on top of the bench, like a parrot might perch on top of a pirate's ship... and she'll scope. Giving us second by second direction... "So and so is open! Pass to So-forth! Quick, get rid of the ball!, Do you need a sub? You look tired!" I fill somewhat like I have my own personal little "air traffic reporter". All in all I think most of the time it works pretty good... When the time come that someone does need a sub, Defense girl comes roaring back out on the field like the "little engine that could" ready to give it her all... so way to go Defense Girl!

Mousey Soccer Face

Now we come to Mousey Soccer Face... why do I call her this? Well to me she is like a little mouse darting from one and of the field to the other with great stealth... and just like a mouse would, she steals the cheese... well scores... and before you know it she's back in the thick of things trying to get the ball again. Her one major fault is that she gets tired very fast... Now there's nothing wrong with this, but it's the fact that she doesn't sub herself out when she gets tired is the problem... She'll be putting down the field at the speed of crap (yes, crap is a speed... and for those wondering, it's a slow speed), when a player from the bench will shout out, "You need a sub? you look tired!" Mousey Soccer Face sternly turns around a sharply tells them, "No, I'm fine!"...Well, actually you're not... in fact you're doing pretty freakin' bad, and hurting your team because you're too selfish to sub yourself out when you're tired... I guess that makes you a terrible person, and you're in danger of hell fire... So how do you like those apples, eh? I guess if you can disconnect yourself from the situation (which shouldn't be hard for you people since you don't have to play with her) it's pretty funny if you think about it... I mean, she goes out there, she's zooming all around...t hen she slows down to what becomes almost a person playing in slow motion...hhhheeeerrrreeee, ppppaaaassssssss mmmmeeee tttthhhheeee bbbbaaaallllllll!!!!!!!!! Ha, ha, ha, that is kinda funny.

The Bipper

Now we come to, who I would call, one of the most entertaining players on the team, The Bipper! So why is his name be The Bipper? Well, because it's his word... Bip... he says it all the time! I mean if you had a word that you said all the time wouldn't you like to have it be your nick-name? Like... if your word was "dag" for instance, you would be, The Dagger! Oh! Or, if it was..."crap" for instance, you would be...The Crapper! Isn't that awesome?... I thought so too. Another question you may be asking is, "How is he entertaining?" Great question! You're a very attentive reading audience! Well, there are many ways The Bipper is entertaining... First, every time we score he chants, FOAM!! F-O-A-M!!!... to rally the team. Second, he runs around kicking violently at the ball in hopes of sending it sailing toward the other goal... and by violently, I mean violently! He could easily be called for that one violation for "having your leg too high" (picture me using quotation marks with my fingers) like every time he kicks the ball... But of course, as with every violent kicker, there is two outcomes... One: It does indeed sail toward the other goal, and he gets an "at-a-boy" from the team... or Two: He misses all together and the ball goes sailing right on by him... Usually it's the latter of these two... but he does everything with such grace and lively-ness that you just can't help yourself from cheering him on! I'm telling all this guy need do is start a clothing line called, "bip"...or perhaps, "The Bipper Presents:"...you know something like that. I'm telling you, he'd be rich.

Limping Girl

Next we are brought to Limping Girl. As to why she is called this should be a no brainier... but to those of you reading this with an IQ of 40 or lower I will tell you... It's because she limps! (one person reading this just had an epiphany)... Now as to why she is even playing soccer in the first place is a complete mystery to me... but she does none-the-less. If you can even call what she does playing that is... You see though, Limping Girl wasn't always Limping Girl... in fact we could even call Pre-Limping Girl... Violet. Yes, Violet... why Violet?... because that is the most random thing I could come up with on the fly... So how did this "limp" start in the first place you ask? Well, it was in the second practice we ever had... she was running... and running... and running... then bam! Somehow her foot just decided to catch it's self on the grass. Pain gripped her, and she told us she needed to leave... Ever since that day Violet was but a memory... and faded into who we now know as Limping Girl. Now, one would think that if you injure yourself you would let it heal before you play again, right? well, not if you're Limping Girl... No, instead of letting the injury get better she would play on the "bad leg". What this meant was... A: She was in pain while she played... B: She sucked, badly. and C: You wanted to tell her to get the crap off the field because of A and B... Now a part of me felt a little bad for her, but not really... because I really wanted her to admit she was in pain and get the crap off the field... but that never happened. So we who were on the bench just sat there in agony, not because we felt her pain, but because watching her play so badly caused us such pain.

Inconsistent Soccer Man

Finally, we will end this meeting of the players with Inconsistent Soccer Man. Why do I call him this? Well, for starters he's inconsistent (go figure)...One night he'll be playing with the skill of a thousand—a hundred— well, a couple of men... the next night he is playing with the skill of a dead giraffe. Now don't get me wrong... it's not that he gets in a lethargic state or anything... in fact he's always brimming with energy. It's just sometimes he's a little bit better then other times. For intense, when he's playing with the skill of a couple of men... he can pass the ball well, guard the best of opponents, and shoot the ball with the kind of velocity that would take a guys chest hair off... On the other hand, when he's playing with the skill of a dead giraffe... he's passing the ball to the other team, all over the field instead of staying in his position, and the velocity that he shoots with when he's playing when the skill of a couple of men is no more... Instead, when he shoots in this state, the ball seems to trickle toward the goal... In fact I think one time the goalie took a nap, woke up, and still saved it! One other thing that Inconsistent Soccer Man does, is that he's one of those cheering players... you know, "Guard him, you've got him... don't him get past you!" Like the long distance cheering is really helping him guard the guy... or there's the other thing he likes to do... tell us we can catch up when there's no possible way..."Come on guys, we can do this!"...no we can't, we're 11 goals behind with 3 minutes left in the game... we're toast. He was the original one to come up with the yelling FOAM! F-O-A-M!! after we scored a goal, but The Bipper perfected it, so he doesn't get credit for that one anymore... If I think about it I guess he's just trying to keep everything positive, which is fine... it's just it can get ones nerves.

Well, I hope that "The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team... Meet the Players (2 of 2) was everything you expected it to be and more! And be sure to check back for the newest "Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team" blog dealio, to come sooner then later!

The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team... Meet the Players (1 of 2)

*Originally Posted January, 2007*

Well, hello again soccer fans! Now I thought before I dove in to the season of blood, sweat, and pain... it would be a good idea to meet the players of the Galaxy Dollars soccer team. Yes the players that have worked and trained so hard to be moderately good at what they do. Now, due to the fact that there are what some would call a plethora of people of the team, I will have to split this up into two parts. So I ask you now to prepare... get a bowl of ice cream, a box of Oreos, and one of those little personal packs of Kleenex... Why, because you are going to laugh and... cry. Well, maybe laugh hard enough to cry... or maybe you'll stub your toe and cry... at any rate you should cry. So... umm... read on.

PHONY DISCLAIMER:

This is a phony disclaimer... Any attempt to pass this off as a real disclaimer will almost undoubtedly put you in immediate danger to: kick the bucket, have someone yell, "Oogie-boogie-boo!" at you, or have to watch a women shave her armpits. Yes, any of those... or any other things you can think of that causes death, or indefinite atrophy to ones body... So in other words, don't take this disclaimer seriously. So, on that note I present to you, "The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team...Meet the Players (1 of 2)"

Singing Soccer Face

To start this shin-dig off right we'll start this dealio off with a classic... Singing Soccer Face! As some of you may recall if you read the original Galaxy Dollars blog dealio, there was a Singing Barista Face... and to those of you who did read them, yes... Singing Soccer Face, and Singing Barista Face are the same person. On the other hand, to those of you who didn't read the original Galaxy Dollars blog dealios... well... Singing Soccer Face and Singing Barista Face are the same person. There, you're caught up, happy? I thought so. Now back to Singing Soccer Face... As to why he got this nick-name is actually quite irrelevant to how he plays soccer, but it's a cool nick-name none-the-less... So how does he play soccer? Well, half the time he is our flailing goalie, diving one way or the other at almost every ball that comes his way (he likes to dive), even if it's just rolling right to him... Then he promptly sends it (the ball) back out to his usually unsuspecting teammates, whether they're ready for it or not. The other half of the time he is our soccer warrior on a war path of destruction... and by that I mean, he is kicking the ball at the opposing teams goalie continuous times in hope that one will get past. At any rate, he plays with so much passion that you just can't keep yourself from playing with a smile on your face... whether or not it's from the way he runs with such poise and vigor, or the fact that you like to see a guy give his very best whether you're winning, or down by 20 points.

Awkward Runner Girl

Alright, now that we're in the thick of things lets continue with Awkward Runner Girl. As you may have deducted the reason I call her this is the fact that she runs somewhat... well... awkwardly. She sprints down the field like I imagine Napoleon Dynamite's creation the Lyger would run... legs all about, but meaning business the whole time. What makes this so funny is the fact that she's actually quite short... so I really don't know how she does it, but never-the-less she does! Now don't get me wrong, it's not that she's a bad player, because she's not... in fact she plays with a lot of heart. Always taking one for the team, whether it's being push down by an opposing player or being hit in places that isn't comfortable for a girl to be hit. So it's not that at all... it's just that... well... you haven't seen the way she runs... Fine, we'll give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it's the soccer shorts... but somehow I doubt it.

SoccerBack

Next we come to the heart and soul of the Galaxy Dollars soccer team, SoccerBack. Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Why in the world did he name him SoccerBack?" Well, I will tell you... you may have heard Justin Timberlake's little tune exclaiming about how he's brought "SexyBack"...well, I'm not too sure he did, but I am here to tell you that this guy... (to the tune of SexyBack) be brinin' "SoccerBack"...ya! SoccerBack flies up and down the field with amazing ball handling skills and shooting accuracy. (If you're still singing what you read to the tune of SexyBack...stop. no, really.) He weaves in and out of heavily populated enemy soccer terrain, and somehow comes out on the other side with the ball in hand... well... on foot. The rest of us stand to his left and to his right hoping that the other team will think that we too are really awesome and guard us and not him... But this doesn't usually happen since the other team is rarely gullible enough to believe our phony attempt to look like we actually know what the heck we're doing. So... SoccerBack ends up doing what he does best... He brings SoccerBack...ya!

Soccer Players Gone Wild Man

Now we are lead to who I would call the 2^nd best player on the team... Soccer Players Gone Wild Man... Now why I call him this on the soccer field will require a little explaining, but I mean I'm not going anywhere, and you're not going anywhere... so hey, I'll break it down for you. Well, the fact is one would think from talking to this man on the job that he is an easy going and well mannered person... Well, he might be that way on the job, but let me tell you on the field this man is a soccer-a-holic... Zipping from one end of the field to the other in a flash! At work I didn't even know the man was mobile! Just creative... Let me tell you one thing, after seeing him play this way, if I had beat him up as a young child I would have pleaded for forgiveness from him for fear that he'd open a can of, "Kick the Crap out of Ben o' Beans" on me... Well, I do believe that's about all you need to know about Soccer Players Gone Wild Man, so on we go!

Bossy Pants Women Face

Now we come to Bossy Pants Women Face. So why did I name her this you ask? Well, it's quite simple actually... She is bossy, I'm sure sometimes she wears pants, and she has the face of a women... Now I will say that digging a little deeper into the entity that is Bossy Pants Women Face is a little more difficult, but I will try. Bossy Pants Women Face is a complex creature... as her husband would probably tell you on a back street in a dark ally-way (so as not to be seen by his significant other, for those of you who missed the intended pun). Yes, she is complex indeed... Off the field a genuinely nice person to talk to... On the field... on the field (no I did not just stutter, I repeated for dramatic effect...) she is... well... a Bossy Pants Women Face! Telling you how to do this, and how to do that... when her herself isn't even doing it! This my friends, and complete strangers rubs me the wrong way... I mean if you're going to tell me what to do, you better dang well be doing yourself be golly! So, some of you may be asking, "How do you deal with this?"...good question, I will answer. The truth is, is when she does this bossy thing to me... I simply play dumb, and answer something like this... "What? Kick the ball? How do I do that? Quick help me!" What's sad is sometimes she thinks I'm serious... "Well, you're going to kick the ball with the inside of your foot, and aim the best you can."...all in all I guess it's kind of humorous to have her on the team, I guess she can stay.

Sweet Soccer Starlet

So next we come to one of the most considerate, well mannered people on the team... Sweet Soccer Starlet. I know, I know you don't have to tell me... this was a sweet use of alliteration...Ha! I'm so artsy-fartsy! ...*ahem*...I don't know what happened... I guess the spirit of Niles Crane was upon me. I hope that never happens again, and I sure hope I never say the words "artsy-fartsy" again. Anyway, Sweet Soccer Starlet is the one that is the all around pretty good player... and because she's so easy going many on the team believe that you could tell her to do petty much anything, and she'll just do it... I will give you a few examples of what one might say to her, and her "would be" answers... Person A: "Hey Sweet Soccer Starlet, play defense!" Sweet Soccer Starlet: " Ok, you got it!". Person B: "Get back on the bench, you're not doing so hot!" Sweet Soccer Starlet: "You bet, no problem!" Person 3: "Your mom goes to college...". Sweet Soccer Starlet: "Drop dead..." I guess she likes her mom. At any rate she's fun to play with, and a decent player to boot.

Insecure Soccer Player Man

Well alrighty then... now we come to Insecure Soccer Player Man. Now why would I name him this you ask? Well gee, let me think... could it be because when he gets the ball he just stands there like a deer in headlights... like he's unsure of what to do with the ball. I mean it's soccer... you kick it. That's it, that's the whole object... Ask Bossy Pants Women Face she'll tell you. I mean even if you suck at doing it you are aware of what to do. But not if you're Insecure Soccer Player Man. No, if you're Insecure Soccer Player Man, you stand there... and wait... and wait... and wait some more, until the other team comes and takes the ball from you. Of course that's followed be his trademark, "Man, I'm sorry guys... I don't know what happened?!" I know what happened, you suck. In fact I'd say that every time he gets the ball in his possession that there's a better chance of Michael Jackson turning back into a good looking black man... then him getting the ball past mid-court. Yes, I know that's probably a little bit harsh... but please, for the love of doughnuts, when you get the ball... don't just stand there... kick it!

Hot or Not Face

Ok, now we come to Hot or Not Face. So why would I name her this? Well, she is arguably one of our best players... Arguably because as her name plainly states she's either hot... or she's not. Not in the anatomic way, but in the, "Her game is on... or off" way. Now when her game is on, the short little foreign girl almost can't be stopped... Kicking the ball into the goal, passing with amazing accuracy, and just plain terrorizing the other team. But when she's not on... oh, boy... let me tell you. She can't keep the ball without losing it, all her "shots on goal" are more like "shots on the 2^nd guy from the right of the goal" (not that I have any room to talk), and her passing is... well... I wouldn't even call it passing. One other thing about Hot or Not Face is that you can tell if she's on or not purely be listening to her... If she's on she's always yelling something like, "Good job guys, keep it up!" in her thickly accented voice, or yelling some put down to the team in some South American language... But when she's off... the words, and the tone of them are a bit different... Shouting things like, "What kind of call was that! F-ing blind ref! I'm just going to go home, I don't have to take crap like this!" Then going off again in a language I can't understand... but I can be sure of one thing, when she's yelling in her foreign language (when in a bad mood) ...She's not inviting you over for tea and crumpets.

Goalie Guy

Alrighty then, now we come to Goalie Guy... As his name might suggest, he was our goalie the other half of the time Singing Soccer Face wasn't (deep I know). Goalie Guy is a little bit more kouthful then Singing Soccer Face when playing goalie. He effortlessly snatches balls out of the sky, the ground, and yes... even heads! ...I guess. I don't know... in fact I really doubt it, but it sounded cool to write. Really, if you think about it there's not much more someone can say about a goalie then what I've already said, except that... well... he saved our bacon multiple times... not real bacon of course... more like... ball bacon... well just balls... he saved our balls... soccer balls. oh, I give up.

Italian Stallion Face

Okie-dokie...Now we come to the last person for this installment, Italian Stallion Face... First, I'd like to say... no, this is not about me, and as you continue to read you will figure out very quickly it could never be me... Second, to the wise-acres still laughing because when you read the title of this person all you could think about was my nose... I hope you wake in the morning with a zit so big, that scientists have to name it Mt. Zittola. So, why do I call Italian Stallion Face, Italian Stallion Face? Two reasons... One: He has a lot of heart... some might say the heart of a stallion. (I know, I know... boo.) Two: I don't care who or what you are, you see this guy heading toward, you are...A: Getting or have gotten out of dodge, or B: A spot on the AstroTurf that maintenance gets to clean up later. Another talent that Italian Stallion Face has is his kick. It, like him when he's running is a force to be reckoned with! I swear if he kicked someone in the head just right they'd either die, or immediately think they're Pinky, from Pinky and the Brain, and start saying deep intellectual things like "narf, and "poit"... You know, I hope the latter of these two happens some time, because I think it'd be really funny to see someone yelling "narf" after getting hit in the head with a ball...

Well, that does it for "The Galaxy Dollars Soccer Team...Meet the Players (1 of 2)". Check back next time for part 2 with all of the remaining players on the team!