*Editor's Note*
Looking back on these blogs it's hard to believe, but back in December, 2005 these, "Starbucks, the Untold Stories" blog dealios were the talk of a town... no really. So much buzz surrounded this blog in particular that random people started coming in to my store to see if they could guess which co-worker was who (From what I wrote in the blog). Little did I know at the time that this was the beginning of the end for the 'Starbucks' blog series. In fact, a couple of months later I would be forced to take them off the internet for "employee safety", but since it's 4 years later now, and no one from this post works there anymore I figure it's all good.
____________________________________________________________________
Hello again everyone! That’s right after months of anticipation it’s finally here! Part 3 of the “Starbucks, the untold stories” blog dealio. As in part 2 it’s still all about the co-workers… that’s right more juicy gossip, unbelievable rumors, and… stuff like the first two things I said. So sit back, relax, pop a bag of popcorn and read…”Starbucks, the untold stories Part 3… The disclaimer below is there because if you do seem to recognize the people at Starbucks from this blog, you won’t know their real name, and if they read this they’ll be like, “Well, that’s not my name, so that must not be me”…. or so I hope.
DISCLAIMER
The names below have been changed to protect the dumb, dimwitted, and down right stupid….Not to mention the nice, smart, and really, really good looking cool people. Otherwise from the names being changed, the descriptions below are pretty darn accurate… Starbucks does not necessarily concur with the views or statements below….So don’t sue them…. And now, without further ado…The other co-workers.
Smart Guy Face
First, we'll talk about Smart Guy Face, we'll call him that because he looks pretty smart with his glasses…on his face… heck, I’ll bet he really is smart...Anyway, Smart Guy Face, as well as a few others started the same day as I did. He’s one of those guys that if you called him nasty names, insulted his dog, called him…more nasty names…he’s never going to get mad. He’ll just look at you like he looks at people that do that kind of stuff to him… and by the face that he’s giving you, you know you’ve done wrong…The thing with him though is, almost nobody knows how old he is…(Twilight Zone music plays) It’s like a huge mystery that most of the co-workers can’t get out of him. He looks about 23 or 24, but rumors fly about him possibly being as old as 30….I know how old he is, but I’m sure not going to be the one who breaks this bubble…Oh the scandals of Starbucks…Other then that he’s a stand up guy, because he’s sure not sitting….Ok, ok, I know cheesy…what I meant was there’s no dirt on him….Ohh, you know what I mean.
Mood Ring Girl
Ok, next is Mood Ring Girl, we’ll call her that because her moods are like the Oklahoma weather, if you don’t like the one she’s in… wait fifteen minutes it will change. Working with Mood Ring Girl (who also started the same day as I did) can be somewhat of an adventure sometimes… Though she’s nice most of the time, in the midst of rushes sometimes she can get a bit….well…moody (go figure). Also, until recently I was a nerd to her…How do I know this? Because she told me, “You’re such a nerd!” It doesn’t get too much clearer than that…What changed this cynical view of me you ask? Me… doing the robot…yep…seriously…I kid you not. And to think, I thought I was pushing myself off the edge of nerd-dome… So now what am I to her? A cool nerd! ya, baby! I’ve upgraded…Well, that will do it for Mood Ring Girl…
Short Cuppin’ Cakes
Alrighty then, moving right along…Next is Short Cuppin’ Cakes, we’ll call her that because (a) she’s short (b) she’s pretty sweet…like a cup cake…or whatever. Ok, so Short Cuppin’ Cakes is put on the “bar” frequently, why we’re not quite sure …We think the boss needs a good laugh so he puts her there…why is it funny? Because she is shorter than most everyone else there, and it’s hard for her to reach certain things…So, well she’s trying to put the beans in the machine she’s like on her tip toes…You’re like, “don’t lose your balance”…I know that‘s mean… She should take some ballet classes…heck, thanks to this job she could probably start at an advanced level…Other then that she really just wants to be at home with her husband…and I can respect that.
The Gentle Giant
Next on the agenda is The Gentle Giant, we’ll call him that because he’s like 6’5”, big (muscular, not fat), and he’s not mean. (which is a good thing) One thing’s for sure though…he can cook….on the bar! (making coffee drinks, not like chicken or steak) I would say he’s the 2nd fastest bar in all of the Midwest Region Starbucks, in the central part of the Oklahoma City area, Across from hospitals. Yep, not bad at all… And no, for all those of you wondering… I am not number one…don’t cry… Sadly The Gentle Giant will be leaving us soon, leaving a tremendous vacancy at our Starbucks…Get it? He’s the Gentle “Giant” and he’s going to leave a tremendous vacancy?....Oh, forget it.
Drama King
Ok, next we come to the Drama King. I call him that because he’s an actor, and at times he’s just a plain drama king…To understand Drama King, we first have to know the Drama King… First off, it seems he never gets to do café; they stick him in the drive-thru every time to fend for himself…why they do this is beyond me because he doesn’t really like doing drive-thru…or the people that come through it…of course he doesn’t really like a lot of things about Starbucks, as he will let you know… At times there are crazy drive thru-ers which he just can’t handle…(which would be about one out of every three customers for him) In which he doesn’t handle in the best way… Let me tell you, you do one thing that he thinks is not…kosher…then he’ll just give you the finger as you leave…or maybe utter a nasty phrase or word at you…most of which you will never know, but for me and the other co-workers watching him it can be at times funny, and at other times…well…not-so-funny. He’s just the kind of guy you have to take with a grain of salt…
The Nice Guy
Okie-dokie next is The Nice Guy. Why do I call him The Nice Guy you ask? Because he’s the guy your mom would probably let you go out with (if you’re a girl that is, if you’re a guy…he doesn’t swing that way). He not the best at what he does, but then again…he’s not the worst…So I guess you could say that The Nice Guy is your nice and average Starbucks partner… But there is a quality he has that sets him apart from the others…what is this quality you ask? (yes, I know I assume you people ask a lot of questions, but whatever…) Well… he taught me the fine art of killing flies with a rubber band of course! How do you do it you ask? Well, you take a rubber band and--…well you--…well, it’s hard to explain…but I can tell you it’s a great pass-time! In fact I think they should add it to the Summer Olympics, but that’s just me…
Miss Lazy Pants
Alright, Miss Lazy Pants is next. Why do I call her Miss Lazy Pants… I think you can figure this one out by yourself…Now don’t get me wrong, I think she is a nice person and all, but she has the fine (or not-so-fine) art of looking like she’s working, but she’s really not doing a dag-blasted thing down to a science… What I find rather amusing is the fact that she really can’t figure out why she hasn’t been promoted…umm…gee, could it be that the boss sees you almost sleeping when you think he’s not looking? Naw…couldn’t be…although I will say, if I were the one that did what she did even for two and a half seconds, he’d be like, “FOCUS, BEN RICHARDSON!!” and not only would I not ever get promoted, I’d be fired or something…oh well, in the words of Jim Carry, “that’s the way the cookie crumbles“
Boss Lady
Moving right along, we go on to Boss Lady. I call her that because as you can probably guess…she my boss…well, one of them. (it’s tough being the low man on the totem pole) What’s to say about Boss Lady? Well, in one sense she could have been called Mood Ring Girl 2, but then you have to think about her situation…She has to work right under the “Big Boss” of the store, “Mr. FOCUS BEN RICHARDSON! Man” (which is enough to drive almost any sane person into insanity I’m sure), throw in some incompetent employees, working with, “Mr. FOCUS BEN RICHARDSON! Man”, throw in the Christmas rush, a par-trish and a pear tree, and of course “Mr. FOCUS BEN RICHARDSON! Man” and I think I’d be moody too. She really is a nice lady, I just think she under a lot of stress…and I don’t think working under “Mr. FOCUS BEN RICHARDSON! Man” helps any either…
The Coffee Master
Next we come to The Coffee Master. I call him The Coffee Master because he is omnipotent in all things coffee. I first met The Coffee Master in training, and was blown away be the speed in which he can make drinks…And yes, for those of you wondering he is the fastest bar in all of the Midwest Region Starbucks, in the central part of the
Singing Barista Face
Ok, so now we come to Singing Barista Face. Why do I call him that? Well for starters he has a face, he’s a barista, and he sings. Not well mind you… but it’s the amount of passion in which he sings that captivates the heart and soul of the Starbucks cliental…not to mention the humor. When the unsuspecting customers of the drive-thru hear these notes of passion…. Some laugh, some cry, and some say, “don’t quit your day job” (In which to this he turns to me and says, “This is my day job.”). Still others ignore the fact he sang at all… “Ya, gimmie one of those large…mo-cha lattes”…dolts. More like we’ll give you a swift kick in the…umm...pants, crapface. How can they be such heartless souls anyway? What if he was one of those sensitive guys that got hurt easily? What if he did something tragic?! All I have to say they’d feel pretty bad…well, maybe not ordering like that…”large mo-cha latte”…dolts. And for those of you who think that his melodies of joyousness end in the drive thru… they don’t. If you come in and he’s in the café, you will indeed be serenaded…with notes… of song… and wittiness. Anyway you look at it, you gotta say Singing Barista Face is one happy peppy person…well, on we go!
Mr. Laid Back
Alright, next we come to an individual that gives new meaning to the word patience. Mr. Laid Back. Why do I call him that exactly? Well…I don’t think it’s possible to make him mad….that would be a good reason eh? But you say give me an example…alright…”Hey, Mr. Laid Back we’re out of this…” He’s response, “It’s all good, man”. “Hey Mr. Laid Back so-and-so says they can’t make it to work tonight”. He’s response, “Hmm, alright... cool” Sometimes you just want to test him…you know like saying… “I won the lottery last night, and I’m giving you all the money!” He’s response of course would be… “Cool”. In fact I’d say fifty percent of his vocabulary is the words “cool” and “man”… And on top of that it’s very rare to hear a sentence longer than like five words…Somehow I picture him fitting in the1960’s very well…”Want some drugs man?”…”Cool.” j/k. No, but really he’s a cool cat bro--… Oops, looks like it’s pretty catchy…
The Sweet One
So next on my list comes The Sweet One…So why would I call her The Sweet One? Well, she’s one of those girls that if you wanted to be mad at her you just couldn’t. She’s always ending her sentences with please and thank you, and…stuff…that sounds like…well…please and thank you…*ahem*. So what on earth could I write on about her you may (or may not) ask? Well…let’s just say you can usually can tell when The Sweet One is on bar…not because people are mad and giving us the bird (which does happen), not because drinks are getting made slow (this indeed happens too), and certainly not because she has two left feet!…j/k (ok, so the last statement was not totally actuate). So how do you tell, you ask? Her steam wand! It’s a mess! Crusted over with between 160-180 degree milk that looks, and probably tastes like a booger straight from your nose….except they're a little whiter...and…possibly more crusty. Scary thought eh? So what did I do you say to save you, the public, from this horrible crusty, booger tasting milk problem? Well, I gave her such a hard time about her lack of clean steam wanding habits that now one of two things happen when I work with her…One: she keeps her steam wand clean and the peasants rejoice …or, Two: I clean her steam wand for her and the peasants rejoice…So either way you look at it you win…well…get your drink…that you paid for…without crusties… whatever.
Buff Guy Face
Ok, here we come to one of my favorite people to work with… Buff Guy Face. Why do I call him that you ask? ….Well, as you might be able to guess, it’s because of the fact that he’s huge! Walking though doors sideways…ripping phonebooks with his…muscular muscles...ok, well… you get the picture…Anyways, in the rather slow afternoons of Starbucks he is better known as my partner in crime…As to this I mean, he aids me in my mischievous acts of the afternoon. Let me elaborate…As you, the unsuspecting, fun hating—I mean loving, frappuccino drinking customer come though the drive-thru to make an order…you might not hear exactly what you might be expecting to hear… For sometimes I answer as an automated computer voice like you might hear when you’re on the phone with Sprint, saying, “For the love of God, let me talk to a real human!”…yes, that’s how I answer…well, sometimes. Now I know what you’re thinking….You would be able to tell the difference between a computer and a human…but that’s where you are wrong. The fact is, we have it down to an art…First, I take the order like a computer, most of the time the person really thinks it’s a computer, but can’t believe it…”That’s amazing!” some say…the other percent of the time is where he helps me…When they pull up to the window…Buff Guy Face: “How do you like our new automated order taking drive-thru?” Customer: “Wow, you mean that really was a computer?! I’m telling you technology is getting too advanced… one day it’s going to replace us, you know.” To which we tell them that it was me all along…and they leave…not happy…because they were fooled…by a Starbucks person, and that’s not cool. By the way that customer really said that "technology" line.
Mr. Artistic
Ok, next we are lead to Mr. Artistic. I call him that because most of the awesome drawings in the store are done by him, with the exception of the stuff that sucks….that’s me. One thing you might notice about Mr. Artistic is that he gets this blank look upon his face, often. I like to call this look, “Drummer face” why, because to me it looks like the face most drummers get when they’re really intensely playing drums…Another thing about Mr. Artistic is that sometimes he tries to act black…you wouldn’t know it from just looking at him, but the man has the riming skills of a …well…a white man… a white man that can’t rap. But that’s what makes it fun. Picture this, a man, a artistic man…rapping…you’d laugh too... aright so, over and out.
2nd String Singing Barista Face
Next on the list is 2nd String Singing Barista Face. Why do I call him that…well, because to the surprise of most at our Starbucks, he too sings to the public…To be quite honest I’m not sure if he’s copying Singing Barista Face, or doing what he thinks is original….sometimes when I work with him it feels like he’s one of those new superheroes, in the sense that it feels like he’s got talent at Starbucks (not in singing), but he doesn’t know how to control his “power” if you will….example one: Don’t sing what feels like two verses of song when we have a line of cars to the main road…I’m mean I’m a fun lovin’ guy and all, but come on work with me a little…example two: If you’re trying to score points with the Oklahoma Starbucks customers don’t sing a song that’s all about Texas!...what this will get you is…beat up, your head flushed down a toilet, and your dog thrown to the bottom of the river… But really folks, he’s a nice guy, and pretty ok on the bar…so go easy on him.
The Transfer
Alrighty then, next is The Transfer…Now if I have to tell you why I call her that, I’m going to have to just…tell you, I guess. Well, she transferred from another location, so I call her The Transfer…there, are you happy?! At first we didn’t quite know what to make of The Transfer…but to approval of everyone she learned quickly, and does her job well. She, like Short Cuppin’ Cakes, is really quite short….The difference between her (The Transfer) and Short Cuppin’ Cake’s is…while Short Cuppin’ Cakes might take your crap, and heckling or what-not… The Transfer will look at you like, “Just keep it up buddy, I dare you...” And looks like she could light you up… like… a Christmas tree…on the forth of July… I think the short, boney little women must have some Italian in her…well, that or a wicked right hook, either way I’m not going to push her too far and find out… One thing is for sure though…she pulls her weight…she was sick the other day. and thus called in sick…go figure… it took us all day to catch up from her not being there…of course if it was Crapface that called in sick I don’t think we’d notice much of a change…I can see it now, “Hmm…is it warmer in here? Or is it just that the cold, dark, bitter personality of Crapface isn’t here?”
Miss Spunky Pants
The next fellow is a fireball, believe you me. That’s why I call her Miss Spunky Pants. She has so much soul, that if you could bottle it, people would only have to buy
Miss Sarcastic Face
Next we are brought to Miss Sarcastic Face…gee, I wonder why I would call her that??? could it be she’s very sarcastic? No way!... As you can see, she has a catchy type of personally. The thing with her is, you can never tell when she’s serious or not…which sometimes can get a Ben in trouble…One moment we’re joking around and having what I think is a fun time…and the next moment she’s all like I’m not joking, go clean the bathrooms… I mean dag yo, now that’s cold. I can picture it now… she gets married…she’s all “lovey-dovey” and the next thing the guy knows is he’s sleeping on the couch...for not saying thank you with a British accent while watching reruns of Family Guy on the fourth Tuesday in July, or something stupid like that…To add insult to injury (so to speak) she doesn’t like the way I do drive-thru…don’t do this, don’t do that. Gee, I’m sorry I don’t live up to your qualifying qualifications for the Starbucks quality drive-thru…Also, she has haled herself the “your momma joke queen” and if your momma joke isn’t up to her “par”…she’ll just look at you and say, "that was stupid"…no joke. Hmm…the only outcomes I’ve come to are, maybe she has forgotten how to feel, maybe she’s never had a guy, maybe she’s got a stick stuck up her…umm…nose. I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s one of those… But in the end it’s only going to hurt her…so to end this properly…This is for you Miss Sarcastic Face…Your momma sooo fat, she had to hale a dump truck instead of a taxi! …lol...gets me everytime.
No comments:
Post a Comment